Xi Jinping Hugs And Kisses Trump Profusely

China’s President gushes with gratitude for Trump’s oil crisis.

DOWNUNDER DISPATCH: LAUGH OR CRY
Little Sam: Uncle Donald in dire Hormuz Straits.

TEACHER
OK Sam, the suspense is killing me. What’s this all about?

LITTLE SAM
Uncle Donald is in China. I can’t reveal my spies, but I know President Xi Jinping gave Uncle Donald a great big hug and a kiss on the cheek – one on his face, that is – when they met for a private meeting.

This is what Xi had to say, and laugh about:

Fank you, fank you, Mister Trump. You do China very big favor by being imbecile and starting war wif Iran.

We know what you trying do. You fought if you control Iran oil, China no get oil and economy go boom-boom. But you screw up very bigly.

Now Iran got you over oil barrel and you in deep trouble in Strait of Hormuz. Whole world blame you for economic catastrophe, and I laugh and laugh.

And now – hahahaha - you want me tell Iran, China ally, to open Strait of Hormuz and save your fat ass.

Now I got bargain power. Fank you, fank you. You stay away from Taiwan, maybe I talk wif Iran. You get message?

But me in no hurry. Wif oil prices going crazy, demand for Chinese EVs - BYD, MG Motor and Chery - go through roof.

Around world, governments now fink more about energy security in case idiots like you make havoc wif oil again. Dey know EVs da way to reduce oil vulnerability.

I fink you maybe push whole world toward EVs faster forever.

Then President Xi Jinping gave Uncle Donald another big hug and kiss and say:

‘Fank you, fank you, fank you, fank you! Hahahahahahaha!’

Uncle Donald said nothing except, “For fuck’s sake”, and then he started to cry.”