Trump goes ballistic during ceremony at Windsor Castle
WARNING: CONTAINS FAKE NEWS
The historic Queen Victoria statue keeled over backwards in shock.
When President Donald Trump spits the dummy, he does it on a grand scale, as proved yet again when he lost the plot at the grand spectacle held in his honour at Windsor Castle. It was a tantrum that derailed the largest military ceremonial welcome for a British state visit in living memory.
After gesticulating his displeasure and cursing with language that shocked red-faced attendees, and even the King’s Guard, he stormed into the castle. Even the First Lady was shocked by his tantrum. And even worse, the historic Queen Victoria statue keeled over backwards in shock.
Trump aides ordered FBI agents to employ their well-practised and much-publicised video editing skills. The official royal in-house video of the event was suitably sterilised. “Thank God the media missed this fiasco”, said one agent. “Even Trumpy couldn’t blame that on fake news.”
Apparently, the president went insane with jealousy – not to say he was not insane prior to the occasion. Aides had noticed his face turning to deeper shades of green as the ceremony progressed.
The British had gone overboard in their efforts to impress and please the unpredictable president, but it backfired. Attempts to dazzle the president with pomp, pageantry and grandeur, were intended to honour his presence.
“Rather than flatter him, we intimidated him.” said one royal advisor. “He knows the Yanks can’t match British tradition. He just got jealous.”
Queen Camilla was called in to pacify poor Donald. She sat on his knee, pampering his face with cold towels, slowly restoring his skin colour from green to its normal orange.
Meanwhile, Melania was having a jealousy hissy fit of her own.
Suffice to say, the presidential visit was not going to plan, so King Charles decided to take grovelling to a whole new level. He went so far as to tell Trump, “I’m sure you will make a better king than even I am – and that’s saying something. You Yanks are the masters of glitzy patriotic ostentation, so you are the perfect fit for king of razzle-dazzle land.”
A reliable royal insider commented, “We Brits will stoop to any lows to keep this nutcase happy. We need the trade tariffs and defence mumbo-jumbo, including AUKUS, sorted out urgently. We know we are prostituting ourselves to this Yankie neo-fascist wannabe-king, but we have no choice.”
After 90-minutes, Donald and Melania were sufficiently pacified for attendance at the state banquet in their honour, where the president’s favourite treat was to be served – KFC with Diet Pepsi.
Mega Chicken Feasts in cardboard boxes were served to all 160 distinguished guests, and eaten with fingers. “Fingers were invented before knives and forks.” Trump chortled, with guests obediently laughing as best they could manage, whilst gulping on their humiliated British pride.
At the conclusion of the banquet, Donald J. Trump President of the United States eloquently said to King Charles the Third of the United Kingdom: “You think you’re so smart with all your fancy ways. Anyhow, we kicked your arses in the War of Independence, so stick that where the sun don’t shine. And by the way, my wife is sexier than yours, and let me tell you, I’m an experienced judge.”