Trump Fakes His Own New Assassination Attempt
“Some terrible people don’t believe the assassination attempts on me have been real.”
DOWNUNDER DISPATCH: LAUGH OR CRY
Little Sam’s breakfast Froot Loops were upstaged by an expert froot loop.
TEACHER
Well Sam, I see there has been another attempt on your uncle’s life.
LITTLE SAM
Yeah I know, but you won’t believe what happened at breakfast.
TEACHER
Go on! Try me out. I’m in the mood for a challenge.
LITTLE SAM
This morning, Uncle Donald staggered into the dining room, and I thought he was going to collapse. He said, ‘I’ve been shot and he fell to the floor.”
He had a big red mark in the middle of his forehead that looked like a bullet hole. And his hair at the back of his head was all bloodied red from the bullet coming out.
Melania and I, and the staff got a terrible fright.
Then he stood up and said, “Only kidding. I used your lipstick Melania, and I did a good job didn’t I?
Melania was really angry at him – not about the lipstick he swiped - but for scaring her. ‘Vot iz diss all about? she yelled.
Uncle Donald said, “Some terrible people don’t believe the assassination attempts on me have been real. They say they were staged, inside jobs as publicity stunts to make me look like a real hero who is not afraid of anyone. A real man – that’s me – well, that’s what I want people to think.”
Then Melania yelled at him again, “Vill you anzwer my quvestion? ‘Vot iz diss all about?”
Uncle Donald said, “I’m holding a press conference this morning, and this is what I will say:
I understand that some of you fake news media scumbags are claiming that the attempts on my life have been staged con jobs.
I am here to tell you that the assassination attempt last night right here in the White House was real.
As you can clearly see, I have the scars to prove it. I am lucky to be alive.
There should be no more speculation about the truth or otherwise of my assassination attempts – whether successful or unsuccessful.”
Melania was talking to herself in another language. I didn’t sound very nice. And she was banging her fist on the table.
TEACHER
I believe you. You couldn’t possibly invent a story like that.