Trump Claims He Kicked Napoleon’s Ass At Waterloo
“That was the second of maybe eight wars I have stopped.”
DOWNUNDER DISPATCH: LAUGH OR CRY
Historical or hysterical – that is the question we ask
TEACHER
Your Uncle Donald is making history in very strange, unprecedented ways.
LITTLE SAM
Tell me about it. Get a load of this.
Last night, he came to me and said, “Hey kid, would you like a history lesson in warfare?” I said, “No, but I’m sure I am going to get one, Uncle Donald.”
I sure got one. I recorded what he said just for you Teacher because I know you like history. Listen to this:
“
Do you realise I have stopped 6 or 7 or 8 wars? No other president in history has done that many. I’m literally unbelievable. I started out with the Napoleonic Wars between France and Britain.
I was Nelson’s key advisor in the Battle of Trafalgar in 1805, and we knocked off the French fleet. Yep, I sure stitched that one up.
I told Wellington how to win the Battle of Waterloo in 1815 against Napoleon’s army.
I really kicked his ass there and that was the end of Mr Bonaparte’s career. That was the second of maybe eight wars I have stopped.
In 1945, I stopped World War 2 in Europe. As a matter of fact., I wrote Churchill’s speeches. The Allies’ D-Day landing at Normandy was my idea, and as they say, ‘The rest is Trumpian history’. Churchill had to admit that I stopped that war.
Then I stopped World War 2 in the Pacific. I had to convince Harry Truman to drop the atom bombs on Japan. You know how much I love big bombs that go kaboom - and those two in Japan were really big kabooms.
The Korean War was very tricky with the communists trying to take over the south. We didn’t actually win that one, but I personally brokered the armistice and the 38th parallel DMZ in 1953. That was pure genius on my part.
Then there was the Vietnam War. I would have won that for America, but I couldn’t serve in the army because of my heel bone spurs. I would have made all the difference, but the Communists won. I kept telling stupid Richard Nixon it was hopeless, but he wouldn’t listen.
The Ukraine War would be all stitched up and settled, but that Zelensky guy didn’t pay me the courtesy of wearing a suit and tie, so I thought stuff you. He and Putin can sort it out themselves - as long as I agree with them. So that will be another one I’ve stopped - one day.
And now there’s the war with Iran which is as good as finished because the Iranians are desperate for a deal. But they are being a bit difficult, so I’ll bomb the shit out of them until I win. Some people cynically say I started that war just so I could say I stopped it, to win the Nobel Prize. That’s not true, and you know you can always trust your Uncle Donald 163%.
TEACHER
I’ll tell you something that is true - Volodymyr Zelensky used to be a comedian.
That would have been a better career choice for our tragic president.