Qantas: New CEO Hudson takes the piss out of old CEO Joyce

WARNING: CONTAINS TWISTED TRUTHS

This email was accidentally sent to Alan Joyce the former AFL coach of Hawthorn, who belatedly forwarded it to Laugh or Cry.

5 September 2025

Vanessa Hudson
CEO of Qantas Airways

Dear Alan

Happy second anniversary! It’s been two years since your inglorious exit and my glorious arrival at the tarnished CEO helm. Stepping into such small shoes was not easy – in fact, it was a form of torture.

I hope you are enjoying your retirement as much as so many executives and staff here at Qantas are enjoying your absence.

Thought I should let you know I have organised a design overhaul of all tails in the entire domestic and international fleets at my own personal expense. It’s only going to cost me one of my annual bonuses. My gorgeous face will be the all-new Qantas emblem.

Our advertising gurus were not happy, but they came around to my way of thinking when I explained that I am more appealing than the flying kangaroo which is now nothing more than pet food on the nose, thanks to you!

Shareholders and the board won’t mind the change of image. They will be delighted by the surges in profitability and dividends, which are already happening. I’m not just a pretty face, you know.

The poor old kangaroo’s iconic status was too far gone. His embodiment of national pride in the all-Australian airline evaporated when the public lost trust in Qantas, thanks to you. So, I had him put down and put out of his misery. He was packed off to the great pet food factory in the sky.

You left Qantas with one hell of a public relations debacle on its hands, and it will take years to recover. Being haunted by the “ghost flights” makes it harder, but lucky I’m in charge, hey?

We are now rebuilding and expanding all our customer service capabilities in Australia, rather than overseas, especially in the case of call centres where inexcusable call wait times were a festering source of customer dissatisfaction, well known to the ACCC.

You must have been familiar with the ACCC’s scathing notes on Qantas, but ‘customer satisfaction’ seems to be a concept of little or no concern for you – that’s assuming you understand what the term means.

I am making big improvements to staff morale, after a shaky start. I have even heard that when pilots mention my name, they no longer include my middle name which strangely, they thought began with the letter ‘f’.

By courtesy of your misdemeanours, Qantas had to fork out over $300 million in penalties and compensation, incurred because of ghost flights and illegal ground staff outsourcing.

You are due to collect your final share bonus worth $3.8 million. Will you feel just a tad guilty? Share prices have soared under my stewardship, so I reckon I deserve my fair share of that bonus. I will forward my personal banking details.

I will let you decide what is a fair sum, which in your case is a risky proposition.

It has been an absolute pleasure taking the piss out of you.

Kindest regards,

Vanessa