Michaelia Cash’s hairdresser suspended for sins against coiffure
WARNING: CONTAINS BIG HAIR SATIRE
Photo: Unsplash - Caricature: Bruce Keogh
The Australian Hairdressers Registration Board is in receipt of a petition bearing 9683 member signatures.
The petition reads:
We the undersigned, hereby respectfully demand the deregistration of Senator Michaelia Cash’s personal hairdresser on the grounds she is bringing Australian hairdressing into disrepute.
We feel ashamed and embarrassed that the art of coiffure in Australia has become a laughing stock here and internationally.
A reliable source within the AHRB cited unnatural ‘big hair’ and overuse of hairspray as the major issues.
As a consequence, the offending hairdresser has been suspended for five years and ordered not to be seen in the vicinity of hairspray for the duration.
A condition of reinstatement will be for the sinner to confine her business to perms and rinses for elderly ladies who have no access to social media. “We cannot risk any repeat public humiliation”, said the AHRB source.
When this matter was exposed in the Senate, Ms Cash reacted in her inimitable combative style, blasting out words in such high-pitched, rapid-fire style, that she was almost incomprehensible.
A seasoned, dedicated Hansard Cash interpreter gave this fateful translation:
“Fools! Doesn’t the AHRB realise I am not serious about my hair? It’s all part of a big joke. I have made an artform out of making a real-life political cartoon of myself. You only have to observe my parliamentary performances to realise that I could not possibly be a serious politician.”
This revelation sent shockwaves of disbelief through the senator’s state of WA.
In a desperate bid to save her political career, Michaelia with the assistance of a brave new hairstylist, has rationalised her trademark helmet.
However, over-abundance of hairspray remains as a non-negotiable.
The senator has assured her party leader, Sussan Ley that she will not relapse, and if any tell-tale impulses appear, she will call the Big Hair Hotline for help immediately.
Michaelia Cash could give no assurances regarding her parliamentary performances, simply saying, “Bad hair happens.”