Letter to Liberal Party HQ – the home of socio-political dysfunction
WARNING: CONTAINS REAL-LIFE FARCE
Liberal Party of Australia
RG Menzies House
Barton ACT
Dear Sir/Madam
I am a newly arrived assisted refugee from Gaza, and have since become a member of the Liberal Party. I believe I have much to offer in progressive political and social ideology.
However, I am seeking confirmation of my suitability to your party.
I hold aspirations of a career in politics and hope to become a federal member of parliament.
I chose Liberal because I was particularly impressed by this all-inclusive statement on your website:
Aspiration is the foundation of the Australian promise: that if you work hard, play by the rules, do your best for your kids and contribute to your community, you will be able to build a better life for yourself and your family.
It is a delight to be living in this nation of such enlightened thinkers, although conversations so far have centred around football, the weather and Facebook.
If I mention politics, Australians become very animated, swearing about “bloody politicians”. They must be referring to the Labor Party. I am sure to find some sophisticated thinkers very soon.
I refer to myself as Palestinian, and belong to the Islamic faith. It was wonderful to see the enormity of pro-Palestine sentiment in the recent protest march across Sydney Harbour Bridge.
My English is sound, but there are some words I am unfamiliar with, and I often hear them. Words such as mozzie and raghead, with the taboo word beginning with f often used in conjunction. I imagine that in time, I will come to understand the vagaries of the English language in Australia.
Whilst homosexuality can be condemned within my religion and culture, I must declare that I am a lesbian, and I hope to marry my partner soon. I was so pleased to learn that Australia endorsed same-sex marriage in the plebiscite of 2017.
It was a pleasure to discover on your website that the Liberal Party’s federal platform says: Liberals believe in freedom of choice and a ‘fair go’ for all.
I am sure this ‘fair go’ ethos would encompass gender equality across all aspects of your wonderful multicultural society.
In closing: Subject to my suitability, could you please advise me of the process for gaining preselection to become the endorsed Liberal candidate for an electorate that you might recommend.
I hold a Bachelor of Philosophy, Politics and Economics (Honors) from Oxford University. I also hold a Ph.D. in Climate Science.
In anticipation of being wholeheartedly embraced by your colleagues and members, I remain yours faithfully,
Fatima Awad [Real name not divulged for security reasons]
NO REPLY WAS EVER RECEIVED FROM THE LIBERAL PARTY.