‘Jesus’ Trump complains of nail holes in his hands and feet

Apparently, Pope Leo tried to crucify him

DOWNUNDER DISPATCH: LAUGH OR CRY
Little Sam’s ‘Jesus’ awakening was not-so-divine

TEACHER
My word Little Sam, you look very tired this morning.

LITTLE SAM
Last night my Uncle Donald came into my bedroom and woke me up.

He started telling me he was Jesus Christ and showed me a picture. Then he pointed out the window and said, “See that big wooden cross out there on the lawn.”

I said, “But there isn’t any cross.”

Then he said, “Pope Leo tried to crucify me just because I called him weak on crime. He nailed me on the cross. Look at these holes in my hands and feet.”

I said, “But there aren’t any holes.”

He said, “See, I told you – he is weak on crime. He couldn’t even nail me.”

I said, “You are fucking crazy. I’m calling an ambulance to take you to the funny farm.”

He said, “Don’t you dare even try. I have the White House surrounded by the entire United States Marine Corps.”

Then Melania came in and said, “Come to bed Jesus. I’m in the mood for some divine sex.”

And he left in an unholy rush.

I think we have a very serious mental health emergency at the White House.

I didn’t call an ambulance, but I wish I did.