Albanese to journos: Bleeding-heart keyboard tantrums achieve nothing. Just give up!
WARNING: EXPOSES ALBO AS GENIUS IN DUPLICITY
Produced December 2025 - prior to my illness
Prime Minister Anthony Albanese delivered an online speech to Australia’s most influential, left-leaning, non-mainstream political columnists who continue to give him grief.
Welcome and thanks for being brave enough to attend.
I would like to call you my friends of the left, but being two-faced is not my game, unless I need to be. Such is politics! So, dear enemies, I want to call you out for branding me a gutless wonder. You claim my reluctance to make radical changes, is for the sake of “stable government”. Do you think I would want to preside over instability? Besides, I’m here for the long haul until Labor becomes the natural party of government.
Consider the huge majority Labor now has in the House. I masterminded that. We now occupy the prized centre between traditional Labor and Liberal values. But the blurred zone between red and blue has become vast. Governing in this space means appealing to bluish and reddish constituents, and that takes genius in duplicity. Yes, two-faced Albo is here! But I have to avoid anything radical that might upset traditional, now-disgruntled ex-Liberal voters.
You all continue to write endlessly about what’s so wrong with everything, then stamp your feet saying pathetic things like “where’s the justice” or “this is a disgrace” or “this must stop” or “they should be held to account” or “this isn’t fair” blah, blah, blah.
You treat me as the enemy of the people, because I don’t act. It’s not that simple and I’m fresh out of magic wands. I’ve got the task of performing a vested interest tightrope balancing act, juggling lobbyists at the same time, while the Murdoch empire throws daggers at me.
Despite all your bleeding-heart keyboard tantrums, nothing ever changes, does it? So why do you bother? You will never beat the all-powerful capitalist forces you are complaining about. So just give up and get off my case.
Democratic left-wing governments can only exist and survive by letting capitalist forces have their way. By how much they have their way depends on the political craftiness of the government of the day. And I’m a crafty old bastard.
You know that the Labor movement had its foundation in the egalitarian notion of democratic socialism, but that purist ideal was always a pipe dream. Mind you, the trade union movement was always necessary to keep rampant capitalism at bay.
Some of you have impudently suggested that the modern ALP has lost touch with its founding core beliefs. Labor has never forgotten its roots in the once great blue-collar working-class trade union tradition of bygone days. But Australia has undergone a demographic transformation since those days.
Labor has always been a party of compromise and evolution.
In its early years, the Australian Labor Party was smart enough to compromise democratic socialism, knowing that a flourishing free enterprise system was vital. You can’t have a welfare state system without a healthy capitalist state to support it.
A well-oiled capitalist economy makes for high standards of living, along with health, education and social services. Labor governments can’t risk tampering with the vital lubricant. Remember, abundant jobs mean abundant votes.
Labor needs votes to win elections, to state the obvious. There’s no point in being an out-of-touch, idealist party that’s always in opposition. And so, modern Labor has evolved.
To repeat myself, you will never beat the all-powerful capitalist forces. They have become a global corporate behemoth, and your bleeding-heart keyboard tantrums are a waste of time.
Sadly, Labor has compromised itself and changed to the point of being unrecognisable – a mere shadow of its former self.
There is nothing laudable to believe in any more. Social idealism and left-wing journalism are doomed. To you journos, I suggest you start writing for New Idea or Take 5.
Let me deal with the likes of the finance sector, the fossil fuel industry, the oil giants, the supermarket duopoly, tech and pharmaceutical giants, mining magnates, gambling and all the other greedy interests that you don’t seem to understand. I’m cunning and I have my ways with them.
Labor is better suited than the Liberals to keep corporates in check, at least. It is in the national interest for us to win elections, and to do that we must, unfortunately, accept corporate contributions for election campaign funding and other things.
And that is the ultimate compromise on my part in the name of the national interest – the last straw - acceptance of big bucks and gratuities from the behemoth. Such martyrdom on my part for the sake of Australia!
But I must look on the bright side. I have power, control and influence. I am prime minister and I’m here for the long-haul leading Labor to become the natural party of choice.