Albanese asked to drop his game for the sake of democracy and frustrated journos

WARNING: CONTAINS POLLIE WAFFLE

Like an over-inflated balloon that needs to be pricked, such is Anthony Albanese in the eyes of the media. Maybe not burst him, but deflate him or at least rob him of some oxygen.

And so, a petition bearing the names of 60 of Australia’s most accomplished political journalists has been sent to Prime Minister Anthony Albanese.

It reads as follows:

We the undersigned, earnestly request that you downgrade the standards of your international diplomacy, your parliamentary performances and your personable public image. That is, we beg you to drop your game.

Please try to see things from our point of view.

Your measured, risk-averse style of leadership might be comforting for voters in these unstable times, but please give us reason to keep on living and breathing.

When it comes to media interviews and pressers, you are proving too cunning by half. Mr Quicksilver, we can’t get a grip on you when we really need to pin you down. Your smart retorts and deflections leave us flat footed. It’s humiliating.

As you realise, it would be un-journalist-like of us to write any columns that actually praise your competence, so we won’t. Apart from the risk of being labelled too left-leaning, it is just not in our collective DNA to be nice. Our careers have been built on being negative, sceptical and hypercritical. Tragically, journalism has become a soul-destroying gig with you as PM.

You and your oh-so-highly-disciplined party leave us with nothing juicy or controversial to write about. No scandals, no rorting, no sackings, no gaffes. Our readerships are suffering, and besides, it’s un-Australian to have a prime minister always behaving appropriately. For a person like you from humble beginnings, it just doesn’t seem right that you can be so statesmanlike when you need to be, and an ordinary knockabout bloke when you can be.

And for God’s sake, stop talking like a human being. You explain things so clearly that Joe Average can understand. Our talent is to interpret normal “pollie speak” which we pretend is complicated but isn’t, and make it sound simple which it already was. You are making us redundant.

Then there’s your humour to contend with. It’s OK that you take shots at us in media packs with your sharp wit, but please give us, and the nation, something to really laugh at. Why not take a leaf out of Tony Abbott’s book.
You could for example:

Admit to not being the suppository of all wisdom.

Award a (posthumous) knighthood to Prince Philip.

Threaten to shirtfront Vladimir Putin.

Attract international attention by biting into an unpeeled raw onion.

Apart from making our lives miserable, you should realise that you could become personally responsible for the demise of Australian democracy.

Your oh-so-eminent performance is making Sussan Ley and the shambles that is the Opposition look like amateurs on their way from obscurity to oblivion.

It’s sad to watch the Liberals and Nationals going headlong toward losing party status. Sad because our democracy needs an effective Opposition to hold Labor accountable.

So, we plead with you ! Please drop your game for the sake of democracy, and for the psychological wellbeing of we poor journos languishing in the fourth estate.

Yours sincerely,

The undersigned

PS: Maybe you could do us a favour and purchase another multi-million dollar seaside mansion.