Xi Jinping gives gushes of oil gratitude to Trump.

TEACHER
OK Sam, the suspense is killing me. What’s this all about?

LITTLE SAM
Uncle Donald is in China. I can’t reveal my spies, but I know President Xi Jinping gave Uncle Donald a great big hug and kisses on the cheek – one on his face, that is – when they met for a private meeting.

This is what Xi had to say, and laugh about:

Fank you, fank you, Mister Trump. You do China very big favor by being foolish imbecile and starting war wif Iran.

We know what you trying do. You fought if you control Iran oil, China no get oil and economy go boom-boom-crash. But you screw up very bigly.

Now Iran got you over oil barrel and you in deep trouble in Strait of Hormuz. Whole world blame you for economic catastrophe, and I laugh and laugh.

And now – hahahaha - you want me tell Iran, China ally, to open Strait of Hormuz and save your fat ass.

Now I got bargain power. Fank you, fank you. If you stay away from Taiwan, maybe I talk wif Iran. You get message?

But me in no hurry. Wif oil prices going crazy, demand for Chinese EVs - BYD, MG Motor and Chery - go frough roof.

Around world, governments now fink more about energy security in case idiots like you make havoc wif oil again. Dey know EVs da way to reduce oil vulnerability.

I fink you maybe push whole world toward EVs faster forever.

Then President Xi Jinping gave Uncle Donald another big hug and kiss and said:

‘Fank you, fank you, fank you, fank you! Hahahahahahaha!’

Uncle Donald said nothing except, “For fuck’s sake”, and then he started to cry.

Trump’s brain bound for the Smithsonian.

TEACHER
You have a very mischievous look about you this morning, Sam.

LITTLE SAM
I have a friend who has a friend who has a friend whose dad works at the Smithsonian. He got into his dad’s email account and found this about my Uncle Donald’s brain. Don’t tell anybody or I’ll be dead meat.

Here it is:

The Smithsonian Institute has requested consent from President Donald J. Trump that after his death, his brain be extracted for preservation and prominent enshrinement at the Institute.

Mr Trump understands the accompanying plaque would read as follows:

This is the brain that belonged to Donald J. Trump, 45^th and 47^th President of the United States, universally accepted as the greatest president in history, the likes of which nobody has ever seen before, and will never see again.

The president enthusiastically accepted the request. He is said to be overjoyed that his remarkable gray matter will be glorified ad infinitum.

The president is also delighted with the intended plaque inscription - which he personally wrote.

However, in reality, the actual plaque will read as follows:

This is the brain that belonged to Donald J. Trump, 45^th and 47^th President of the United States, universally accepted as the greatest schmuck to ever occupy the Oval Office.

PS: President Trump is however, a little concerned about how he will manage taking over control of Heaven without a brain.

TEACHER
If he found out about this, he’d come back to earth with one hell of a Trump thump.

Trump and the First Amendment – oil and water.

TEACHER
That looks very suspicious, Sam.

LITTLE SAM
I found this piece of paper scrunched up in Pam Bondi’s trash bin before Uncle Donald sacked her as Attorney-General. See how she wrote across it in felt pen and big letters, Trump is a wacky nutjob.

This is what he had written for her to change the Constitution, which can only be changed by Congress or a convention. Even I knew that.

Here it is:

I, President Donald J. Trump hereby declare the following alterations to the First Amendment of the United States Constitution, to be effective immediately.

(DJT additions are in italics)

Freedom of religion – You can practice any religion, as long as it is Christianity or Judaism. Catholicism as a Christian faith is OK, as long as the President gets along with the Pope. Catholic (or any other) Mexicans will be handcuffed and marched south over the border. Any other religions, like Islam, followed by people who do not have white skin will be banned. Offenders will be deported, even if they are American citizens.

Freedom of speech – You can express ideas and opinions without undue government restriction but if the President catches you saying nasty things about him or his policies, you will be locked up for the term of your natural life.

Freedom of the press – You can publish information and opinions without censorship unless it is fake news. The President will have the overriding power to decide what is fake and what is real. Journalists who persistently upset the President by writing the truth, will face the death penalty by firing squad.

Freedom of assembly – You can gather peacefully for protests or demonstrations as long as they are pro-Republican rallies. Democrat rallies are prohibited. Any displays of dissent against the reigning President will be dealt with by police using rubber bullets. If crowds fail to disperse, real bullets will be used.

Freedom to petition – You can complain about or seek changes from the government but don’t bother wasting your time.

TEACHER
Sam, you should become an anonymous-alias-super-sleuth reporter for maybe MSNBC.

You could become alias Scoop Samuel.

When God handed out ignorance, he gave Trump a giant dose.

TEACHER
Good morning, Sam. What do you have there?

LITTLE SAM
I swiped this quiz Uncle Donald answered and left on the dining table. I don’t think he is very smart - but I already knew that.

Here it is:

Who said, “Ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country.”?
Some loser.

Who said, “Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the Earth.”?
Some other loser.

When did women’s suffrage begin?
Women have suffered all through history – and that’s OK in my opinion. It’s a pity they ever got the right to vote.

Who said, “Here’s looking at you, kid.”?
Jeffrey Epstein.

Why was Richard Nixon impeached?
Because he was unlucky and got caught.

Who said, “Mr Gorbachev, tear down this wall.”?
What wall?

Who said, “I have a dream …”?
Martin fucking Luther fucking King fucking Junior.

Who said, “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”?
Beats me. But it sounds like he was smoking one of those funny cigarettes.

Can you name Donald Duck’s three nephews?
Groucho, Chico and Harpo.

When, where and by whom was the first McDonald’s restaurant opened?
In 1940 in San Bernardino, California by Richard and Maurice McDonald - God bless them.

TEACHER
So, he only got two correct answers out of 10 - McDonald’s and Martin Luther King. He was probably right about Jeffrey Epstein – he would know.

But he would say it was all rigged, and demand a recount.

When is a physician not a physician? When he’s a tradesman.

TEACHER
What’s so funny, Sam?

LITTLE SAM (Manages to talk while giggling)
Uncle Donald has some medical issues at the moment.

And there are lots of tradesmen coming to the White House for renovations.

A man came into the dining room wearing a safety vest and carrying a 4-inch angle grinder.
Uncle Donald said, “Are you the brain surgeon?”
The man said, “No, but I wish because you need serious attention.”

Then a tradesman came in carrying copper pipe and a wrench.
Uncle Donald said, “Are you the urologist? I’ve got trouble with my waterworks.”
The man sad, ”I wish because I’m a Democrat and you piss me off.”

Then a man came through carrying sheet metal cutting shears.
Uncle Donald said, “Are you the podiatrist to fix my ingrown toenails?”
The man said, “Are you here to Make America Great Again? That counts both of us out.”

Then a man walked in carrying a tape measure.
Uncle Donald said, “Are you here to see if I measure up?”
The man said, “I don’t need a tape measure to know you do not measure up as President of the United States.”

Then a man walked through carrying electric cord and conduit.
Uncle Donald said, “Are you an electrician? I seem to have my wires crossed.”
The man said, “With your reputation for blowing fuses, I wouldn’t touch you.”

Then a man entered wearing a white coat. He had a stethoscope around his neck.
Uncle Donald said, “If you are looking for the tradesmen, they are right down that corridor over there.”

TEACHER
Houston, we have a problem - Little Sam is cracking up.

Sam’s breakfast Froot Loops were upstaged by an expert froot loop.

TEACHER
Well Sam, I see there has been another attempt on your uncle’s life.

LITTLE SAM
Yeah I know, but you won’t believe what happened at breakfast.

TEACHER
Go on! Try me out. I’m in the mood for a challenge.

LITTLE SAM
This morning, Uncle Donald staggered into the dining room, and I thought he was going to collapse. He said, ‘I’ve been shot and he fell to the floor.”

He had a big red mark in the middle of his forehead that looked like a bullet hole. And his hair at the back of his head was all bloodied red from the bullet coming out.

Melania and I, and the staff got a big fright.

Then he stood up and said, “Only kidding. I used your lipstick Melania, and I did a good job didn’t I?

Melania was really angry at him – not about the lipstick he swiped - but for scaring her. ‘Vot iz diss all about? she yelled.

Uncle Donald said, “Some terrible people don’t believe the assassination attempts on me have been real. They say they were staged, inside jobs as publicity stunts to make me look like a real hero who is not afraid of anyone. A real man – that’s me – well, that’s what I want people to think.”

Then Melania yelled at him again, “Vill you anzwer my quvestion? ‘Vot iz diss all about?”

Uncle Donald said, “I’m holding a press conference this morning, and this is what I will say:

I understand that some of you fake news media scumbags are claiming that the attempts on my life have been staged con jobs.
I am here to tell you that the assassination attempt last night right here in the White House was real.
As you can clearly see, I have the scars to prove it. I am lucky to be alive.
There should be no more speculation about the truth or otherwise of my assassination attempts – whether successful or unsuccessful.”

Melania was talking to herself in another language. I didn’t sound very nice. And she was banging her fists on the table.

TEACHER
I believe you.

You couldn’t possibly invent a story like that.

TEACHER
What has got into your head Sam? Why would you want a gas-guzzling 1957 Chevy? And what does it have to do with MAGA?

LITTLE SAM
Uncle Donald has ordered General Motors to begin mass-production of the 1957 Chevrolet Bel Air - again. He says it will put Detroit back on the map as the world epicentre of car manufacturing. It’s all about MAGA, he says.

TEACHER
I have a feeling he is trying to divert attention away from the Strait of Hormuz oil crisis – in a very strange way.

LITTLE SAM
He says he wants to take America back to the great days when gas was so cheap that fuel consumption didn’t matter. Great big cars with powerful V8 engines were the symbol of America as the world’s leader in absolutely everything. I swear, that’s what he said.

And he reckons the 1957 Chevy Bel Air was the best. He showed me photos with all the flashy chrome and big tailfins and two colours of paint. They look really cool and I want one when I’m old enough to drive.

TEACHER
You would not be able to afford all the gas it would guzzle.

LITTLE SAM
But Uncle Donald says when he takes over Iran and Venezuela, everything’s gonna be great and gas will be dirt cheap.

TEACHER
(Attempts to speak, but too gobsmacked to find words)

Trump claims he kicked Napoleon’s ass at Waterloo

TEACHER
Your Uncle Donald is making history in very strange, unprecedented ways.

LITTLE SAM
Tell me about it. Get a load of this.

Last night, he came to me and said, “Hey kid, would you like a history lesson in warfare?” I said, “No, but I’m sure I am going to get one, Uncle Donald.”

I sure got one. I recorded what he said just for you Teacher because I know you like history. Listen to this:

“

Do you realise I have stopped 6 or 7 or 8 wars? No other president in history has done that many. I’m literally unbelievable. I started out with the Napoleonic Wars between France and Britain.

I was Nelson’s key advisor in the Battle of Trafalgar in 1805, and we knocked off the French fleet. Yep, I sure stitched that one up.

I told Wellington how to win the Battle of Waterloo in 1815 against Napoleon’s army.
I really kicked his ass there and that was the end of Mr Bonaparte’s career. That was the second of maybe eight wars I have stopped.

In 1945, I stopped World War 2 in Europe. As a matter of fact., I wrote Churchill’s speeches. The Allies’ D-Day landing at Normandy was my idea, and as they say, ‘The rest is Trumpian history’. Churchill had to admit that I stopped that war.

Then I stopped World War 2 in the Pacific. I had to convince Harry Truman to drop the atom bombs on Japan. You know how much I love big bombs that go kaboom - and those two in Japan were really big kabooms.

The Korean War was very tricky with the communists trying to take over the south. We didn’t actually win that one, but I personally brokered the armistice and the 38^th parallel DMZ in 1953. That was pure genius on my part.

Then there was the Vietnam War. I would have won that for America, but I couldn’t serve in the army because of my heel bone spurs. I would have made all the difference, but the Communists won. I kept telling stupid Richard Nixon it was hopeless without me, but he wouldn’t listen.

The Ukraine War would be all stitched up and settled, but that Zelensky guy didn’t pay me the courtesy of wearing a suit and tie, so I thought stuff you. He and Putin can sort it out themselves - as long as I agree with them. So that will be another one I’ve stopped - one day.

And now there’s the war with Iran which is as good as finished because the Iranians are desperate for a deal. But they are being a bit difficult, so I’ll bomb the shit out of them until I win. Some people cynically say I started that war just so I could say I stopped it, to win the Nobel Prize. That’s not true, and you know you can always trust your Uncle Donald 163%.

TEACHER
I’ll tell you something that is true - Volodymyr Zelensky used to be a comedian.

Comedy would have been a better career choice for our tragic president.

Too much naval gazing can be dangerous, Mr. Trump.

TEACHER
Well Sam, how are things at the White House?

LITTLE SAM
When I grow up and become an Uncle Sam, I’ll write a book about my childhood, and it won’t be pretty when all the crazy truth comes out. I’ll call it Yankee Doodle Dumb Donald.

TEACHER
OK! What’s the latest?

LITTLE SAM
Yesterday, I was in the bath playing with all my toy warships when my Uncle Donald stormed in and said, “What are those alien ships doing in there? Haven’t you heard about our naval blockade?”

I got out of the bath real fast because he had a pistol and started shooting them over and over until they were all sunk.

Then I said, “But they were American navy ships.”

Then he said, “Who cares? Besides, what do a few hundred US personnel matter? Easy come, easy go. They’re all suckers and losers anyway.”

But the bullets put holes in the bath, the floor and the downstairs ceiling, and water was pouring on people sitting at a table.

Pete Hegseth was really angry because his hair got messed up.

Mr Vance said, “Despite what you think, I’m not wet behind the ears but pass me a towel. It’s just a vibe.”

Marco Rubio was worried that his wet Florsheim shoes might shrink.

And Stephen Miller was busy redefining the meaning of rain.

When Uncle Donald came and explained what happened, he still had the pistol. They were all scared and said, “Well done! You have our full confidence as Commander-in-Chief, President Trump.”

He didn’t tell them they were American navy ships that he sank.

TEACHER
Be sure to write that book!

This would make a great leak story for the media.

WARNING! The following is sacrilegious – inspired by Donald Trump.

TEACHER
You look very tired this morning, Sam.

LITTLE SAM
Last night Uncle Donald came into my bedroom and woke me up.

He started telling me he was Jesus Christ and showed me a picture. Then he pointed out the window and said, “See that big wooden cross out there on the lawn.”

I said, “But there isn’t any cross.”

Then he said, “Pope Leo tried to crucify me just because I called him weak on crime. He nailed me on the cross. Look at these holes in my hands and feet.”

I said, “But there aren’t any holes.”

He said, “See, I told you – he is weak on crime. He couldn’t even nail me.”

I said, “You are fucking crazy. I’m calling a fucking ambulance to take you to the fucking funny farm.”

He said, “Don’t you dare even try. I have the White House surrounded by the entire United States Marine Corps.”

Then Melania came in and said, “Come to bed Jezuz. I’m in ze mood for zome divine zex.”

And he left in an unholy rush.

After that, I couldn’t get back to sleep with all the noise coming from their fucking bedroom.

TEACHER
I must ask you to fucking watch your fucking language, Sam.

LITTLE SAM
Give me a break!

Don’t you dare fucking tell me it was nothing to lose fucking sleep over.

We have a very serious mental health crisis at the White House.

Some family trees produce more nuts than fruit.

TEACHER
Good morning Sam. I’m really upset today. I want to talk about your Uncle Donald, but I just can’t find the words to describe him. He’s indescribable.

He’s an unhinged, delusional nutcase.
He’s a narcissistic megalomaniac.
He’s a power-crazed fascist.
He’s a cunning, manipulative liar.
He’s a warmonger with no regard for human life.
He’s evil, dangerous and reckless.
He’s shamelessly corrupt and immoral.
He has no regard for the truth and honesty.
He delights in gross exaggeration and baseless predictions.
He denigrates anybody who disagrees with him.
He loves character assassination, bullying and cruel fabrication.
He profiteers from his stock market manipulation.

And there is the association with Jeffrey Epstein and the FBI files fiasco to muddy the waters even more.

Donald J. Trump President of the United States is destroying this country.

LITTLE SAM
Seems to me you found the words OK!

WITH THAT, THE TEACHER BROKE OWN AND WEPT PROFUSELY.

LITTLE SAM
Here’s some Kleenex for $10 a tissue – only joking!

I’m really sorry, but it’s not my fault he’s my uncle.

Trump geographically embarrassed.

LITTLE SAM
Good morning Teacher. I am really worried. I just read my Uncle Donald’s latest post on Truth Social. It’s scary:

“ The Yoonited Shhtates hearby declares war on all the countrees that I, Donald J. Trump cannot say proppelly, UNLESS these rogue natioins agree to pronounce their names MY WAY. You know who you are, you scumbags.

Whole civilisations will die tonight, never to be brought back again if you don’t agree by 9.00 pm Washington time tonight.

I don’t want that to happen, but it probably will if you don’t agree to change your lingwhisticks.

To be pacific, these countries are Nam-beeyah, Tanzay-neeyuh, Thigh-land, Nipple, Button, Vennez-weella and even Shy-naah.”

TEACHER
That’s terrible. I think he means Namibia, Tanzania, Thailand, Nepal, Bhutan, Venezuela and China.

If you can organise a good speech therapist really quickly, we could save millions of lives.

LITTLE SAM
I’ll go home to the White House straight away and get it organised.

News update:
Little Sam arranged Trump’s linguistic transformation before the 9.00pm deadline, and the threat was withdrawn. Sam is now an international superhero.

If you avoid idioms like the plague, do not read this!

TEACHER
Today’s lesson is about idioms. These are phrases that don’t really make sense, but lots of people use and understand them.

For example, to ‘spill the beans’ means to tell a secret.

Sam, can you use some idioms and spill some beans about President Trump?

LITTLE SAM
I heard someone say that my Uncle Donald had lost his marbles.
So, I decided to be a good boy and look for them - but I couldn’t find them anywhere.
I said, “Sorry Uncle Donald, but I couldn’t find your missing marbles anywhere.”
He said, “Watch it kid or I’ll have you locked up.”

Then I heard someone say that my Uncle Donald was a sandwich short of a picnic.
So, I decided to be a good boy, and I made him a peanut butter sandwich.
I said, “Uncle Donald, here’s the sandwich you are short of, for your picnic.”
He said, “Watch it kid or I’ll have you deported.”

Then I got a screw driver and took it to him.
I said, “Uncle Donald, I got you this to tighten your loose screws that people are talking about.”
He said, “Watch it kid or I’ll nuke you.”

Then I heard someone say that my Uncle Donald is off his rocker.
But he doesn’t have a rocking chair, so he couldn’t have fallen off.
So, I ordered one on Amazon anyway.
I hope he doesn’t fall off it because he is getting old and senile.

As a matter of fact, I think he is one cheeseburger short of a Happy Meal.

.

Is dumbness a prerequisite for high office in the GOP?

TEACHER
Today we talk about the word ‘dumb’ and when it is dumb to use the word dumb. For example, during sensitive peace talks, it would be really dumb to say the enemy is dumb because they might get angry - and that could ruin negotiations.

LITTLE SAM
I’m just a kid but I’m not stupid. I think it was really dumb for Vice President Vance to use the word dumb, because it makes him sound like a stupid kid. Maybe I should be Vice President?

TEACHER
I agree with you Sam. It was really dumb of Mr Vance to say Iran didn’t understand a vital point that is simple and explicit. That’s basically calling Iran dumb, because the 10-point plan clearly says Lebanon is included in the ceasefire deal.

That’s what Iran rightly says, but Mr Vance and my Uncle Donald say it was not part of the deal. Mr Vance was even dumber to say that Iran would be “dumb” to let talks collapse over Lebanon. That’s very unhelpful in a crisis situation. It’s dumb.

LITTLE SAM
In my opinion, if you really are dumb, you can’t help it - so it’s dumb to pretend you’re not dumb when you know you really are dumb, just like Uncle Donald and lots of others in the White House.

The more they pretend not to be dumb, the dumber they look.

Hello 911 - we have a national catastrophe. His name is Donald Trump.

TEACHER
It was inappropriate for the President of the United States to threaten Iran, a nation of 90 million, saying that unless it struck a deal, “A whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again.”

Capitulation is what happened when the president realised his bluff was not going to work. He backed down from his threat, and sheepishly agreed to a ceasefire and peace talks.

Sam, can you put inappropriate and capitulation into sentences?

LITTLE SAM
My Uncle Donald was in a really crazy mood this morning. His language was really inappropriate with heaps of F and C bombs. He couldn’t cope with the capitulation he was forced into because Iran had outsmarted him.

He was so angry, that I thought he would burst. He was going nuts.

TEACHER
That’s because of severe humiliation, and he hates to look stupid - which he is anyway.

LITTLE SAM
I heard people say he is beyond being just a narcissistic power-drunk maniac and needs serious psychological attention, probably involuntary admission into a psychiatric institution.

I don’t know what that means, but I called 911.

I said I was calling from the White House and told them the president needs serious help. I said his brain has gone all bonkers because he is suffering severe humiliation. The man just laughed and said, “We know that.”

And they didn’t come to take him away.

Image: Wikipedia – A 2025 statue created by activists to protest Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein’s relationship

DOWNUNDER DISPATCH: LAUGH OR CRY
We’ve heard that Trump’s testicles talk to each other.

“Don’t waste your time with petty Epstein-linked accusations - I’m far too busy screwing over America. That’s a big job,” Trump said to the media throng.

Trump’s testicles were heard chuckling. The left one said to the right, “Between you and me, we could blow his FBI cover. Great balls of fire! Besides, Epstein is why he started the Iran war - to divert attention.”

“Another distraction is the new White House Ballroom being built in our honour,” said the right one. “What a great erection it will be. It will do us proud! He sure knows how to rise to the occasion.”

Highly sensitive media microphones caught the dialogue, which Trump brushed off as a cocked-up conspiracy.

DOWNUNDER DISPATCH: LAUGH OR CRY
We’ve heard that Americans would love to rub his face in it.

Not satisfied with just his signature on the new $100 bill, Donald Trump has pushed for his face to replace Benjamin Franklin.

He has also been pushing to be ‘glorified’ on bills of all denominations.

But Treasury advised Trump against the idea, saying, “In these difficult economic times, it would be too tempting for people to flush $100 bills as shitty toilet paper. Families could go hungry, just for the satisfaction of rubbing your face in it.”

Trump took heed of the economic advice, so Benjamin Franklin - and others - are safe, we think.

Emily Gregory. Image from campaign website.

DOWNUNDER DISPATCH: LAUGH OR CRY
Apparently, Trump had dirt campaign planned but it went awry.

Donald Trump is outraged that a woman Democrat has taken the deep-red seat
where his Mar-a-Lago palace is located.

It is not clear whether he is more upset about the winner being a Democrat or a
“dog” as he has been quoted in reference to women.

Trump fired a GOP henchman who failed to carry out his orders to damage Emily Gregory’s reputation ahead of the election in Florida’s 87th House District.

He reportedly told an insider, “I knew she was a risk - attractive, intelligent, a good speaker and very popular in the community. These Democrat women are just too smart.

“I told the henchman to put out fake news to ruin her campaign, but he forgot.
I told him to say:

That she is a reformed hooker with some nasty diseases.
That she is an unreformed heroin addict.
That she spent six years in Russia as Vladimir Putin’s mistress and is now a Russian spy.
That her first two husbands both died in mysterious circumstances.
That she is under investigation for tax evasion.

“We cannot allow the Democrats to keep running women candidates. They must be stopped with dirt campaigns like this one - otherwise, we will have a sea of blue,” said the illustrious President of the United States.

DOWNUNDER DISPATCH: LAUGH OR CRY
We’ve heard that Trump says “This is tremendously great news. It’s going to work just great. Just great.”

While stuffing his face with KFC and being driven in a stretch limo, President Trump has posted a new directive on Truth Social, which reads:

“My fellow fat Americans, I have some really tremendous news for you. I have a plan to solve the gas crisis here in the States. It is tremendously good tremendous news, and it will work just great. Just great. Police across the nation have been told this begins at midnight tonight. It will be incredible, just incredible.

FAT PEOPLE MUST WALK and definitely not drive. IF A FAT PERSON IS CAUGHT DRIVING, THE CAR WILL BE CONFISCATED IMMEDIATELY and towed to the nearest Honest Donald Car Sales branch for on-selling.

These losers might need to walk five miles to the nearest KFC or McDonald’s or Burger King or Wendy’s or Dunkin’ - but that’s just tough luck. They might have to walk their kids to school which could be the longest walk their kids have ever done. What an absolutely fantastic opportunity for them. Just absolutely fantastically incredibly great.

Just think of the humongous amount of gas America will save. It’s just incredibly great because it will Make America Healthy Again with all those pounds of fat walked off. This is tremendously great news. It’s going to work just great. Just great.

It just goes to show I am the best president ever. I’m just sensational. And Americans – especially fat ones - should be tremendously grateful to have me as their incredible president.”

Image: Mojtaba Khamenei - Wikimedia Commons

DOWNUNDER DISPATCH: LAUGH OR CRY
All we can say is: Thank God Australia has a better system of government.

Dear Mr Mojtaba Khamenei
Supreme Leader of Iran

You rat. You have blown my cover. You have exposed my war manoeuvres and my fabricated ‘fake news’ as profiteering tactics to manipulate financial and oil markets. Mind you, it is being talked about in Washington, but I hate you anyway.

I have made squillions and so have my colleagues, but now the oil crisis is crippling economies worldwide and I’m in deep shit because of your irresponsible aggression in the gulf.

You are much smarter than I thought. My intelligence sources said you were a
dumbass knucklehead. So much for American intelligence.

So, I will do you a deal. But firstly, I do apologise for killing 3500 Iranians and causing mass destruction across your country. I am sure you will get back to normal within in a few decades.

I will promise not to destroy your power infrastructure on condition you do me one favour.

I wonder if you would be so kind as to stop attacking the Gulf states and start giving all oil tankers unconditional safe passage through the Strait of Hormuz, regardless of their country of origin.

Whether you agree or not, I will make the announcement on Monday morning after I get my personal affairs in order.

Mind you, if you don’t agree, I will drop a nuclear bomb and wipe you all out. That would be on Tuesday after I get my personal affairs in order.

Kindest regards,
Donald Trump

PS Sorry about your old man. May he rest in pieces.