Keep them in the dark and feed them bullshit.

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TEACHER
You are very late this morning, Sam.

LITTLE SAM
I have a really, truly good excuse, believe me.

When I was leaving the White House to come to school, there were some men snooping around the garden.

They said, “We’re from the Federal Bureau of Mushroomology. Our forensic psychologists think the President has been eating magic mushrooms. It’s the only explanation for his behavior.

“His night-time rantings about Iran on Truth Social are a major concern. We can’t let mushrooms destroy civilizations and cause economic catastrophe. Global stability hangs in the balance by a thread of mushroom stalks.”

Apparently, the last straw was when Uncle Donald threatened to kidnap the Iranian negotiating team in Switzerland, if the Strait of Hormuz was not reopened.

They asked me if I had noticed any unusual night-time behaviour by the president and I said, “Are you kidding?” But I did say that every night when the grandfather clock strikes midnight, I see Uncle Donald with a flashlight right down at the end of the garden, and I pointed there.

We found a big wooden box with the words ‘The American People’ on the lid. We opened it and there were heaps of weird looking mushrooms. I guess ‘The American People’ means keep them in the dark and feed them bullshit.

I had always wondered why we keep a bull on a great big chain. I just thought it was ‘cos Trumpy likes bullshit so much.

Then we were in trouble. Uncle Donald must have seen us because he came running out, screaming and waving his hands in the air. He yelled, “What are you doing there ? You’ll disturb my pixie friends.”

Then his phone rang and it was on speaker. It was JD Vance and he was angry. He said, “Have you been eating those magic mushrooms again? You nearly derailed negotiations and you’ve made my life living hell – again. Don’t you remember telling me to use the talks to turn over a new leaf with Iran?”

Trumpy said, “Keep your voice down - you’ll upset my pixie friends.”

The mushroomologists stole a sample mushroom to take back to their laboratory.

TEACHER

What’s that funny smell coming from your lunchbox ?

LITTLE SAM

Mushrooms. I’m planning on making some really cool pixie friends, just like Uncle Donald’s.

Introducing Ollie VANCE and Stan TRUMP – perfect casting !

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TEACHER
Wipe that smirk off your face, Sam.

LITTLE SAM
Can’t do that Teacher - it’s stuck on permanently today.

I watched an old Laurel and Hardy movie yesterday. Then I heard Uncle Donald and JD Vance having a fight - and then I got inspired.

I decided to impress you. I wrote a script, and I even brought you some popcorn.

Here we go:

Ollie VANCE
Well, here’s a nice mess you’ve gotten us into now, Stan.

Stan TRUMP
I wanted to bring about a regime change in Iran.

Ollie VANCE
Nice try Stan. You killed old Ayatollah Ali Khamenei and now his son has taken over - more determined and entrenched than ever. So much for a regime change.

Stan TRUMP
Operation Desert Storm was an amazing success. We bombed the shit out of ‘em.

Ollie VANCE
And now, we have to spend $300 billion to fix the infrastructure damage.
The Islamic Republic has got you by the balls, and you know it.

Stan TRUMP
I started the war - with a bit of encouragement from Benjamin - to make sure Iran never gets nuclear weapons.

Ollie VANCE
I told you right from the start, you had no hope – and I was right.

Iran will never give up nuclear ambitions, especially after you threatened: “A whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again.”

They will never forget that dumbass threat of yours. Now, they hold all the cards and we are fucked. We are in a worse tactical position than when we started.

This ‘Memorandum of Understanding’ is a euphemism for surrender. You make out it’s a victory and you’re the big hero, while you make me look like a clown negotiator.

Stan TRUMP
I must say that red nose does suit you. Listen Bozo, I wanted to get hold of Iran’s oil, and I really wanted to stop China’s access to it.

Ollie VANCE
Well Mr Einstein, Iran still has its oil, and they are controling the Strait of Hormuz. Our facilities in the Gulf States have had the shit blown out of them by Iran.
You have turned the world oil market on its head.

You didn’t expect that did you, Albert ?

Stan TRUMP
Listen here Bozo - don’t call me Albert Einstein.
The war seemed like a good idea at the time - I had a good vibe about it.

Ollie VANCE
This conflict has become a Republican electoral disaster.
The midterms are going to turn America into a sea blue.

What has this war achieved, for Christ’s sake ?

Stan TRUMP

It has kept attention off the FBI’s Epstein files.

LITTLE SAM
Then I turned on the TV news for a remarkably convenient coincidence for Keogh, the writer of this rubbish.

NEWS JUST IN

The Supreme Leader of Iran, Mojtaba Khamenei has offered to be the face of a 300-billion-dollar Republican advertising campaign for the November midterm elections, declaring that the war with Iran was all fake news and that Donald Trump is the best president to ever grace the White House.

The president announced on Truth Social that he has accepted the offer, on the understanding that all US military aid to Israel will be permanently ceased.

The Supreme Leader has also offered JD Vance lessons in negotiation skills in return for lifting US restrictions on the importation of uranium.

Vice President Vance refused to agree, stating, “That’s dumb. There’s nothing wrong with my negotiation skills.” He further noted, “Besides, we don’t have any specific ban on Iran like that.”

TEACHER
I’m the teacher, but I always seem to be the one getting an education.

Thank you, Sam.

If alive today, how would Sigmund Freud diagnose Donald Trump ?

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TEACHER
Today we are having a lesson on Freudian psychology, because it might help you understand your Uncle Donald’s mental behavior – how his brain works – or doesn’t work.

LITTLE SAM
If anybody could understand his brain, they would deserve the Nobel Peace Prize, but old Trumpy would be so jealous, he would bomb the shit out of Norway.

TEACHER
Sigmund Freud was an Austrian neurologist who founded psychoanalysis, which is a way of understanding the human mind. He lived from 1856 until 1939, so he was a real pioneer of psychology.

Freud’s ideas aren’t accepted as science today, but they’re still a good way of understanding human behavior in special cases like Trump.

LITTLE SAM
He sure is a case, but I don’t know what’s so special about him.

TEACHER
Freud believed that human behavior is made up of three parts that are connected, and mental health depends on how well we balance them – if they are functional enough to be balanced, that is.

They are the Id, the Ego and the Superego.

LITTLE SAM
Now I’m getting it. Everyone talks about his ego and superego.

TEACHER
No, this is very different.

Id means the part of you that wants pleasure and wants it right now.

LITTLE SAM
Like a little kid in a supermarket who throws a tantrum because he can’t have the candy, or like when Trumpy’s Rice Krispies don’t snap, crackle and pop at breakfast.

Or like when he threw a hissy fit and walked out of the NBC Meet the Press interview with Kristen Welker in June, because she nagged him about election-fraud claims. He called her “crooked” and said he had “had enough”.

Guess he has no Id control.

TEACHER
Now you’re getting the hang of it. The next one is Ego which does not mean things like narcissist and self-centred egomaniac, which are popular ways to describe him.

LITTLE SAM
One day, I’m going to learn how to say narrssisssisisst.

TEACHER
Ego means the ability to understand that Id is childish, and things can’t always go your way. It means you need to accept things you have no control over. But Trumpy refuses to accept things like rules, laws and the establishment. These are supposed to be “real-world constraints”.

So, the President of the United States behaved like a spoiled brat when he refused to concede that he lost the 2020 election to Joe Biden. He claimed that the election was “rigged” and “stolen” from him.

LITTLE SAM
He makes ridiculous claims all the time. Last week he abused the cook. He claimed his dinner was cold – but it was a salad.

So, this means he has no Ego control either – is that right ?

TEACHER
Apparently not. And the last one is Superego, and this doesn’t look good for him either.

This is all about being as good a person as you can be in society. It means having morality, ethics and a conscience about how you treat people, animals, property and the environment.

For this to happen, you need to have awareness and self-control.

Freud believed mental health depended on the Ego balancing the demands of the Id and the Superego.

For Trumpy to claim he cared about morality, ethics and conscience would be as funny as a bag of hammers trying to nail him on the FBI’s Epstein files.

LITTLE SAM
You know how he likes to call his enemies “sick” - well I think his own mirror must be faulty.

TEACHER
Everyone remembers Trump writing on Truth Social, “A whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again. I don’t want that to happen, but it probably will.”The whole world was horrified.

He was threatening to completely annihilate the entirety of Iranian civilization if their government ignored his deadline to reopen the Strait of Hormuz.

Of course, he backed off – but only after a ceasefire deal was struck.

If Sigmund Freud was alive today, I wonder what he would say to Donald Trump.
I would suggest, “You are a dysfunctional, unhinged, nutty fruitcake, who proves my theory – in its most negative form – 100 per cent. Modern practitioners will now realize I was right all along. Thank you.”

But Freud would probably be more professional and less hysterical.
How about, “Mr. Trump, you are a magnificent advertisement for my reputation. Thank you for spending a lifetime demonstrating what happens when the Id, Ego and Superego escape adult supervision.”

LITTLE SAM

I’m worried. If this is a genetic disorder, I sure as hell hope I don’t get it.

Maybe when I was a baby, there was a mistake at the hospital, and I am not related to him after all. I can wish.

SOURCE: Simple Psychology

Trump upgraded by UN from ‘political problem’ to ‘hypersensitive maniac’.

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TEACHER
You look worried. What’s wrong ?

LITTLE SAM
When Uncle Donald got back from New York after the NBA Finals, he was in a really bad mood.

Poor Melania had a bad time putting up with him. I’ve got their bedroom bugged - which can be very interesting sometimes – but that’s another story.

I missed the start, but here’s my recording of their dust-up:

MELANIA
But you told ze reporterz da crowd cheered you - but zey booed you.

TRUMP
I know they booed me. Do you think I’m an idiot ?

MELANIA
Do I haff to anzer dat kvestion ?

TRUMP
Did you expect me to say, “Yes, they really booed the piss out of me big time. It just goes to show most people hate my guts, especially since I screwed up my war with Iran and sent the price of gas and everything else through the fucking roof.”

MELANIA
Vell, dat iz da vucking truth izn’t it ?

TRUMP
Listen to me woman. I deserve tremendous respect because I’m a real tough guy. Where’s the love ? The best way to prove my supremacy is to blow up entire countries with all those fantastic nuclear bombs that make me the greatest commander in chief of the most wonderful armed forces in the world.

Nobody humiliates Donald Trump and expects me to take it lying down.

Whole civilizations will die, never to be brought back again. That’ll stop these rogues like Iran with their pathetic nuclear ambitions, dead in their tracks.

I mean business, which reminds me – I better sell all my shares before the big stock market crash-kaboom.

LITTLE SAM
I got really scared, so I sent the recording to the United Nations Secretary-General. Turn on the TV – he is going to make an announcement now.

SECRETARY-GENERAL
The United Nations respectfully requests that large crowds refrain from expressing disapproval of President Trump. Current intelligence suggests this may be safer for humanity. The threat of nuclear devastation is very real, given the mental instability of President Trump.

TEACHER

The United Nations will upgrade Trumpy from ‘political problem’ to ‘hypersensitive maniac’.

LITTLE SAM

I’m shitting myself.

When it comes to dozing, Trump makes CAT machinery look mediocre.

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TEACHER
I see that Trumpy has been sleeping on the job a lot lately.

LITTLE SAM
Advisors in the White House are really worried about Uncle Donald dozing off all the time, mostly when he’s at his desk for meetings or special events and when the media is there. It’s embarrassing.

For his advisors, it’s not a good look, and it’s all over the news. Social media goes crazy with memes and stuff.

But everyone thinks it’s funny how ‘Sleepy Donald’ still calls old Biden ‘Sleepy Joe’.

I snuck in on a secret meeting yesterday and people had lots of ideas, but there were always problems getting in the way. There was even an insider staff memo written, and I got hold of a copy to show you.

Here’s the list of ideas for how to “undoze Donald” as they said:

Urge him to start another war to raise his adrenaline levels - BUT he apparently now finds war boring.

Confiscate his phone at midnight to avert endless sleep-depriving hours on Truth Social - BUT not even poor sex-deprived Melania would be brave enough to try that.

Wire his chair electrically for shocks to be administered by JD Vance as needed - BUT the risk is that JD holds aspirations for the presidency and could up the voltage to full bore.

Replace his blood with Diet Coke - BUT hospital apparatus with a tube running into a cannula would not be a good look in the Oval Office.

Install a sound system for canned laughter because there is nothing that scares Donald more than being laughed at - BUT it could prove too tempting when the president is actually awake and talking.

Make meetings more interesting and stimulating for the president with a backdrop of striptease artists (female) - BUT he may need to be asked to put the desk down.

LITTLE SAM
I don’t understand the last one.

TEACHER
You will when you are older.

Bring on the Trump ridicule - and plenty of it !

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TEACHER
What is that Trumpesque figure that’s lurking here today ?

LITTLE SAM
Don’t blame me !

It was that Keogh bloke from Australia. You know – the one who puts words into our mouths. Frankly, I think he fancies himself as caricatoonist. That’s what he calls himself – what a smart ass !

TEACHER
What’s going on ?

LITTLE SAM
Well Keogh reckons (Australians like saying “reckon”) that Trump is such a narcissist that he doesn’t realize he’s like a walking, talking cartoon character, so he drew him like one. He deserves all the mockery he can get.

Bet he couldn’t laugh at himself if his life depended on it.

The funny thing is, Trump subliminally acts out and attracts his own greatest phobia – being ridiculed. As Andy Borowitz said, “Trump’s fear of being laughed at is nothing short of pathological.”

But delicate Donald’s thin skin has got too many media executives terrified of litigation if they publish (or air) anything unflattering that upsets the sensitive snowflake from hell.

Ann Telnaes quit the Washington Post because of editorial intervention, and cartoonist Rob Rogers said his work was repeatedly rejected before he was fired by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.

They reckon modern (Western) man is losing the capacity to differentiate between reality and fiction. So powerful is the extreme level of commercial indoctrination, media manipulation, political hype and social exploitation means it we brain become dead unable think to function or humanly all at. My apologies - couldn’t resist that !

Maybe this explains the pathetic lack of rebellion against Trump’s autocratic behaviour, which he continues to get away with, unchallenged by the powers-that-should-be. Where are they hiding ?

In these dangerous times, the truth must be told and understood as fact. This makes the role of principled, independent media, more challenging and more necessary than ever. Courage is the essence.

Enough sermonizing ! Let’s not lose sight of humor and comedy.

To quote Andy Borowitz again, referring to ridicule:
“The autocrats’ anxiety is entirely justified. Comedy is their kryptonite. They rule by intimidation, and when we laugh at them, their power to scare us evaporates.”

Bring on the Trump ridicule - and plenty of it !

That’s what Bruce Keogh reckons - verbatim.

Journalist calls Trump a “crock of shit” - but guess what?

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TEACHER
For homework, you had to cross out every unnecessary word, intensifier, insult and absurdity on the printout of Trumpy’s last media conference.

LITTLE SAM
I did it - here it is. But I could have crossed it all out for the absurdity bit.

TRUMP
I can tell you, negotiations with Iran are going tremendously well. Exactly how amazingly well is not exactly clear but an incredible historic deal will be announced soon - after I have decided not to rush into a deal. I’m no loser.

Believe me, a lot will depend so very, very much on what Iran decides to accept or not to accept which will depend massively on what steps we insist are necessary to arrive at a final proposal on American terms like you’ve never seen before.

Frankly, I might change my mind and want more changes to any final proposal
that might or might not have been agreed to by US and Iranian negotiators at any unknown place at any unknown time.

The totally incompetent Iranians will probably deny that a proposal has ever been made, and then dispute its contents. It’s an absolute catastrophic mess because these idiotic Iranians can’t get a clear answer from their supreme leader on Iran’s attitude to negotiations.

But everybody knows he doesn’t want to rush into a deal. What a loser !

JOURNALIST
Mr President, while the anxious world is wanting clear answers, you continue to talk nothing but confusing, contradictory codswallop, gibberish, gobbledygook, balderdash bunkum.

You are a crock of shit.

TRUMP
Where are you from ?

JOURNALIST
Fox News.

TRUMP
Greetings my friend !

TEACHER
What a star pupil you are, Sam.

Macron goes tête-à-tête with Trump – all because of Little Sam.

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TEACHER
Nice to see you back at school, Sam. I know you were in hiding after that media release in the last episode. Did Trumpy realise it was you who let the cat out of the bag ?

LITTLE SAM
No ! He’s even dumber than I thought, so I’m getting more sneaky and tech-savvy.

I bugged a phone call between Uncle Donald and the French president who had seen the release. You’ll love this.

Scoop Sam has done it again !

MACRON
Bonjour Monsieur Trump, this is Emmanuel Macron calling to object to the last Adventures of Little Sam episode.

TRUMP
What’s the problem Macaroni ? By the way, how come you are a French president with an Italian pasta name ? You sound like a culinary crisis !

MACRON
I object to you stealing French inspiration for your grotesque Triumphal Arch and all the other things you are planning. You are dragging French culture down to your crass, tasteless level.

TRUMP
Bad luck Frenchie ! As a matter of fact, we have a sewage farm in New York called Flushing Meadows. I want to turn it into a tennis court just like your Roland-Garros, because those courts look like sewage. That’s not tasteless !

MACRON
You have a shitty sense of humor ! You are weird.

TRUMP
Call me weird ! Any race that eats snails and frogs’ legs has got to be a pack of sickos.

And by the way, I will double the tariff on your Champagne. We are a making a much better bubbly to be called Trumpagne. It will make yours taste like camel piss by comparison.

MACRON
You must be a sicko if you know what camel piss tastes like.

TRUMP
OK smart ass.

MACRON
I was offended by your faux pas about the “Statue of Puberty”.

TRUMP
I was duped by a French speechwriter. It was a clear inference about my dubious association with Jeffrey Epstein.

I’m in more trouble than Lance Armstrong at a Tour de France reunion.

MACRON
Pleased to hear it. Tu es un imbécile. Au revoir.

Trump’s plan for a Triumphal Arch - AND MORE - not triumphant ideas.

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[ INCRIMINATING ] MEDIA RELEASE

Parlez-vous français ? Do you speak French ? Oui, je parle français !

Parlez-vous trumpais ? Do you speak Trump ? Give me a break. Go away !

So ! Donald Trump plans an arch inspired by Paris’s Arc de Triomphe !

It’s likely to be called the ‘Triumphal Arch’. How (un)wonderfully akin to ‘Trump’s Arch’ which it will doubtless be called.

Q. Is there no end to the ego of Donald Trump ?
A. No !

A secret source from within the White House (alias Sam the Sleuth) has revealed Trump’s (hitherto private) plans to take the French influence to extremes.

~ Pennsylvania Avenue is to be renamed the Trumps-Élysées.

~ The Potomac River is to be renamed the Inseine River. (A Trumpian goof)

Additionally, Trump plans a replica of the Eiffel Tower, to be called the ‘Offal Tower’ (another Trumpian goof) in recognition of America’s intestinal fortitude over its 250-year history.

Trump even managed to speak en français - as written by a French speechwriter (now unemployed) .

Here is the recording:

Je suis Donald Trump, le pire président des États-Unis de toute leur histoire vieille de 250 ans.
La Statue de la Puberté nous a été offerte par la France et, comme vous le savez, j’ai toujours eu une fascination pour - euh… enfin… vous voyez ce que je veux dire.
En retour, je veux honorer la France en apportant des ajouts inspirés de Paris et en procédant à des changements de noms un peu partout en ville.

Which translates to:

I am Donald Trump, the worst president of the United States in its 250-year history.
The Statue of Puberty was given to us by France, and as you know, I have always had a fascination with - err, umm - you know what I mean.
In return, I want to honour France by making Paris-inspired additions and name changes around town.

Check out Trump’s dumb delusions on the couch with his shrink.

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TEACHER
Sam, what’s your cat-that-ate-the-canary grin all about?

LITTLE SAM
You will love this psychology session I recorded – I’m sneaky.

Here it is:

TRUMP
Shrink, I am obsessed with niceness.

It seemed like a nice idea at the time – a nice big combined American Israeli airstrike on Iran to wipe out Ayatollah Ali Khamenei and his mob.

I thought it was a nice idea to create a nice regime change and free the Iranian people from terrible oppression - with me becoming its nice new leader.

Benjamin and I wanted to be sure Iran would not build any nasty nuclear weapons that could hurt our nice friends in the Middle East. Wasn’t it nice of us to want a regime change for that reason too?

As a matter of fact, our bombing of Iran was going so tremendously well two months ago, that I demanded Iran’s unconditional surrender.

But I didn’t think Iran would be so naughty to start attacking the Gulf states and take control of the Strait of Hormuz. That wasn’t very nice of them.

The Gulf states are very upset because they are getting blown up and they can’t get their oil tankers through the strait. They are blaming poor me.

This was supposed to be a nice war, but Iran double-crossed me and played dirty. I wouldn’t say they outsmarted me, but they surprised me with their intelligence.

Now they have all the bargaining power and I have jack shit. So they will keep control of the strait and continue with their nuclear program. That’s not nice at all for a nice person like me to endure.

My friend Benjamin is really upset. He claims the war has badly reduced the power and security of Israel, and says my tactical blunders have put Iran in the driver’s seat.

What sort of friend would say things like that, after all the nice things I have done for him and his cronies?

I think I will toss this job in, and become a Florsheim shoe salesman. There would be much less stress.

SHRINK
You are trying to hoodwink me. I can see you are insanely humiliated.

Iran will emerge from this debacle much stronger and more influential than it was before the war.

Do you really think the American public will buy this niceness crap?

TRUMP
Maybe not. But they might buy Florsheims.

Sam was convinced old Trumpy was bisexual.

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LITTLE SAM
I’ve had a shocking morning. Shock, shock, shock.

TEACHER
What happened?

LITLE SAM
I saw Uncle Donald being really nice and kind to a maid after she slipped and landed on her butt. I have never seen him care about any staff before. He is always nasty. I got a big shock when I saw him.

He rushed over to her and helped her stand up saying, “You poor pretty little thing. Are you alright?

I thought it was really nice of him to be rubbing her butt to make her feel better. I could tell she was getting better because she smiled a lot.

Wasn’t that good of him?

But when Melania walked in and saw him, she screamed at him in her own language. She was really angry. That was my second big shock.

I don’t get it. He was just applying some first aid.

TEACHER
I’m not surprised – about Melania, that is.

LITTLE SAM
Then a handsome young butler slipped and landed on his butt in the same slippery spot, and Uncle Donald yelled, “Get up, you fucking stupid bastard.”

I’m confused.

TEACHER
You are even more naïve than I thought, Sam.

LITTLE SAM
I am not naïve.

I was convinced that old Trumpy was bisexual, but that proved he is a straight heterosexual.

That was my third big shock.

TEACHER
Why did you think old Trumpy was bisexual?

LITTLE SAM
Because he likes telling men to kiss his ass.

Xi Jinping gives gushes of oil gratitude to Trump.

TEACHER
OK Sam, the suspense is killing me. What’s this all about?

LITTLE SAM
Uncle Donald is in China. I can’t reveal my spies, but I know President Xi Jinping gave Uncle Donald a great big hug and kisses on the cheek – one on his face, that is – when they met for a private meeting.

This is what Xi had to say, and laugh about:

Fank you, fank you, Mister Trump. You do China very big favor by being foolish imbecile and starting war wif Iran.

We know what you trying do. You fought if you control Iran oil, China no get oil and economy go boom-boom-crash. But you screw up very bigly.

Now Iran got you over oil barrel and you in deep trouble in Strait of Hormuz. Whole world blame you for economic catastrophe, and I laugh and laugh.

And now – hahahaha - you want me tell Iran, China ally, to open Strait of Hormuz and save your fat ass.

Now I got bargain power. Fank you, fank you. If you stay away from Taiwan, maybe I talk wif Iran. You get message?

But me in no hurry. Wif oil prices going crazy, demand for Chinese EVs - BYD, MG Motor and Chery - go frough roof.

Around world, governments now fink more about energy security in case idiots like you make havoc wif oil again. Dey know EVs da way to reduce oil vulnerability.

I fink you maybe push whole world toward EVs faster forever.

Then President Xi Jinping gave Uncle Donald another big hug and kiss and said:

‘Fank you, fank you, fank you, fank you! Hahahahahahaha!’

Uncle Donald said nothing except, “For fuck’s sake”, and then he started to cry.

Trump’s brain bound for the Smithsonian.

TEACHER
You have a very mischievous look about you this morning, Sam.

LITTLE SAM
I have a friend who has a friend who has a friend whose dad works at the Smithsonian. He got into his dad’s email account and found this about my Uncle Donald’s brain. Don’t tell anybody or I’ll be dead meat.

Here it is:

The Smithsonian Institute has requested consent from President Donald J. Trump that after his death, his brain be extracted for preservation and prominent enshrinement at the Institute.

Mr Trump understands the accompanying plaque would read as follows:

This is the brain that belonged to Donald J. Trump, 45^th and 47^th President of the United States, universally accepted as the greatest president in history, the likes of which nobody has ever seen before, and will never see again.

The president enthusiastically accepted the request. He is said to be overjoyed that his remarkable gray matter will be glorified ad infinitum.

He is also delighted with the intended plaque inscription - which he personally wrote himself.

However, in reality, the actual plaque will read as follows:

This is the brain that belonged to Donald J. Trump, 45^th and 47^th President of the United States, universally accepted as the greatest schmuck to ever occupy the Oval Office.

Unbeknownst to the president, the feature will be displayed, fittingly enough, within the anthropology section.

PS: President Trump is however, a little concerned about how he will manage taking over control of Heaven without a brain.

TEACHER
If he found out about this, he’d come back to earth with one hell of a Trump thump.

Trump and the First Amendment – oil and water.

TEACHER
That looks very suspicious, Sam.

LITTLE SAM
I found this piece of paper scrunched up in Pam Bondi’s trash bin before Uncle Donald sacked her as Attorney-General. See how she wrote across it in felt pen and big letters, Trump is a wacky nutjob.

This is what he had written for her to change the Constitution, which can only be changed by Congress or a convention. Even I knew that.

Here it is:

I, President Donald J. Trump hereby declare the following alterations to the First Amendment of the United States Constitution, to be effective immediately.

(DJT additions are in italics)

Freedom of religion – You can practice any religion, as long as it is Christianity or Judaism. Catholicism as a Christian faith is OK, as long as the President gets along with the Pope. Catholic (or any other) Mexicans will be handcuffed and marched south over the border. Any other religions, like Islam, followed by people who do not have white skin will be banned. Offenders will be deported, even if they are American citizens.

Freedom of speech – You can express ideas and opinions without undue government restriction but if the President catches you saying nasty things about him or his policies, you will be locked up for the term of your natural life.

Freedom of the press – You can publish information and opinions without censorship unless it is fake news. The President will have the overriding power to decide what is fake and what is real. Journalists who persistently upset the President by writing the truth, will face the death penalty by firing squad.

Freedom of assembly – You can gather peacefully for protests or demonstrations as long as they are pro-Republican rallies. Democrat rallies are prohibited. Any displays of dissent against the reigning President will be dealt with by police using rubber bullets. If crowds fail to disperse, real bullets will be used.

Freedom to petition – You can complain about or seek changes from the government but don’t bother wasting your time.

TEACHER
Sam, you should become an anonymous-alias-super-sleuth reporter for maybe MSNBC.

You could become alias Scoop Samuel.

When God handed out ignorance, he gave Trump a giant dose.

TEACHER
Good morning, Sam. What do you have there?

LITTLE SAM
I swiped this quiz Uncle Donald answered and left on the dining table. I don’t think he is very smart - but I already knew that.

Here it is:

Who said, “Ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country.”?
Some loser.

Who said, “Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the Earth.”?
Some other loser.

When did women’s suffrage begin?
Women have suffered all through history – and that’s OK in my opinion. It’s a pity they ever got the right to vote.

Who said, “Here’s looking at you, kid.”?
Jeffrey Epstein.

Why was Richard Nixon impeached?
Because he was unlucky and got caught.

Who said, “Mr Gorbachev, tear down this wall.”?
What wall?

Who said, “I have a dream …”?
Martin fucking Luther fucking King fucking Junior.

Who said, “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”?
Beats me. But it sounds like he was smoking one of those funny cigarettes.

Can you name Donald Duck’s three nephews?
Groucho, Chico and Harpo.

When, where and by whom was the first McDonald’s restaurant opened?
In 1940 in San Bernardino, California by Richard and Maurice McDonald - God bless them.

TEACHER
So, he only got two correct answers out of 10 - McDonald’s and Martin Luther King. He was probably right about Jeffrey Epstein – he would know.

But he would say it was all rigged, and demand a recount.

When is a physician not a physician? When he’s a tradesman.

TEACHER
What’s so funny, Sam?

LITTLE SAM (Manages to talk while giggling)
Uncle Donald has some medical issues at the moment.

And there are lots of tradesmen coming to the White House for renovations.

A man came into the dining room wearing a safety vest and carrying a 4-inch angle grinder.
Uncle Donald said, “Are you the brain surgeon?”
The man said, “No, but I wish because you need serious attention.”

Then a tradesman came in carrying copper pipe and a wrench.
Uncle Donald said, “Are you the urologist? I’ve got trouble with my waterworks.”
The man sad, ”I wish because I’m a Democrat and you piss me off.”

Then a man came through carrying sheet metal cutting shears.
Uncle Donald said, “Are you the podiatrist to fix my ingrown toenails?”
The man said, “Are you here to Make America Great Again? That counts both of us out.”

Then a man walked in carrying a tape measure.
Uncle Donald said, “Are you here to see if I measure up?”
The man said, “I don’t need a tape measure to know you do not measure up as President of the United States.”

Then a man walked through carrying electric cord and conduit.
Uncle Donald said, “Are you an electrician? I seem to have my wires crossed.”
The man said, “With your reputation for blowing fuses, I wouldn’t touch you.”

Then a man entered wearing a white coat. He had a stethoscope around his neck.
Uncle Donald said, “If you are looking for the tradesmen, they are right down that corridor over there.”

TEACHER
Houston, we have a problem - Little Sam is cracking up.

Sam’s breakfast Froot Loops were upstaged by an expert froot loop.

TEACHER
Well Sam, I see there has been another attempt on your uncle’s life.

LITTLE SAM
Yeah I know, but you won’t believe what happened at breakfast.

TEACHER
Go on! Try me out. I’m in the mood for a challenge.

LITTLE SAM
This morning, Uncle Donald staggered into the dining room, and I thought he was going to collapse. He said, ‘I’ve been shot and he fell to the floor.”

He had a big red mark in the middle of his forehead that looked like a bullet hole. And his hair at the back of his head was all bloodied red from the bullet coming out.

Melania and I, and the staff got a big fright.

Then he stood up and said, “Only kidding. I used your lipstick Melania, and I did a good job didn’t I?

Melania was really angry at him – not about the lipstick he swiped - but for scaring her. ‘Vot iz diss all about? she yelled.

Uncle Donald said, “Some terrible people don’t believe the assassination attempts on me have been real. They say they were staged, inside jobs as publicity stunts to make me look like a real hero who is not afraid of anyone. A real man – that’s me – well, that’s what I want people to think.”

Then Melania yelled at him again, “Vill you anzwer my quvestion? ‘Vot iz diss all about?”

Uncle Donald said, “I’m holding a press conference this morning, and this is what I will say:

I understand that some of you fake news media scumbags are claiming that the attempts on my life have been staged con jobs.
I am here to tell you that the assassination attempt last night right here in the White House was real.
As you can clearly see, I have the scars to prove it. I am lucky to be alive.
There should be no more speculation about the truth or otherwise of my assassination attempts – whether successful or unsuccessful.”

Melania was talking to herself in another language. I didn’t sound very nice. And she was banging her fists on the table.

TEACHER
I believe you.

You couldn’t possibly invent a story like that.

TEACHER
What has got into your head Sam? Why would you want a gas-guzzling 1957 Chevy? And what does it have to do with MAGA?

LITTLE SAM
Uncle Donald has ordered General Motors to begin mass-production of the 1957 Chevrolet Bel Air - again. He says it will put Detroit back on the map as the world epicentre of car manufacturing. It’s all about MAGA, he says.

TEACHER
I have a feeling he is trying to divert attention away from the Strait of Hormuz oil crisis – in a very strange way.

LITTLE SAM
He says he wants to take America back to the great days when gas was so cheap that fuel consumption didn’t matter. Great big cars with powerful V8 engines were the symbol of America as the world’s leader in absolutely everything. I swear, that’s what he said.

And he reckons the 1957 Chevy Bel Air was the best. He showed me photos with all the flashy chrome and big tailfins and two colours of paint. They look really cool and I want one when I’m old enough to drive.

TEACHER
You would not be able to afford all the gas it would guzzle.

LITTLE SAM
But Uncle Donald says when he takes over Iran and Venezuela, everything’s gonna be great and gas will be dirt cheap.

TEACHER
(Attempts to speak, but too gobsmacked to find words)

Trump claims he kicked Napoleon’s ass at Waterloo. (IMAGE)

TEACHER
Your Uncle Donald is making history in very strange, unprecedented ways.

LITTLE SAM
Tell me about it. Get a load of this.

Last night, he came to me and said, “Hey kid, would you like a history lesson in warfare?” I said, “No, but I’m sure I am going to get one, Uncle Donald.”

I sure got one. I recorded what he said just for you Teacher because I know you like history. Listen to this:

“

Do you realise I have stopped 6 or 7 or 8 wars? No other president in history has done that many. I’m literally unbelievable. I started out with the Napoleonic Wars between France and Britain.

I was Nelson’s key advisor in the Battle of Trafalgar in 1805, and we knocked off the French fleet. Yep, I sure stitched that one up.

I told Wellington how to win the Battle of Waterloo in 1815 against Napoleon’s army.
I really kicked his ass there and that was the end of Mr Bonaparte’s career. That was the second of maybe eight wars I have stopped.

In 1945, I stopped World War 2 in Europe. As a matter of fact., I wrote Churchill’s speeches. The Allies’ D-Day landing at Normandy was my idea, and as they say, ‘The rest is Trumpian history’. Churchill had to admit that I stopped that war.

Then I stopped World War 2 in the Pacific. I had to convince Harry Truman to drop the atom bombs on Japan. You know how much I love big bombs that go kaboom - and those two in Japan were really big kabooms.

The Korean War was very tricky with the communists trying to take over the south. We didn’t actually win that one, but I personally brokered the armistice and the 38^th parallel DMZ in 1953. That was pure genius on my part.

Then there was the Vietnam War. I would have won that for America, but I couldn’t serve in the army because of my heel bone spurs. I would have made all the difference, but the Communists won. I kept telling stupid Richard Nixon it was hopeless without me, but he wouldn’t listen.

The Ukraine War would be all stitched up and settled, but that Zelensky guy didn’t pay me the courtesy of wearing a suit and tie, so I thought stuff you. He and Putin can sort it out themselves - as long as I agree with them. So that will be another one I’ve stopped - one day.

And now there’s the war with Iran which is as good as finished because the Iranians are desperate for a deal. But they are being a bit difficult, so I’ll bomb the shit out of them until I win. Some people cynically say I started that war just so I could say I stopped it, to win the Nobel Prize. That’s not true, and you know you can always trust your Uncle Donald 163%.

TEACHER
I’ll tell you something that is true - Volodymyr Zelensky used to be a comedian.

Comedy would have been a better career choice for our tragic president.

Too much naval gazing can be dangerous, Mr Trump.

TEACHER
Well Sam, how are things at the White House?

LITTLE SAM
When I grow up and become an Uncle Sam, I’ll write a book about my childhood, and it won’t be pretty when all the crazy truth comes out. I’ll call it Yankee Doodle Dumb Donald.

TEACHER
OK! What’s the latest?

LITTLE SAM
Yesterday, I was in the bath playing with all my toy warships when my Uncle Donald stormed in and said, “What are those alien ships doing in there? Haven’t you heard about our naval blockade?”

I got out of the bath real fast because he had a pistol and started shooting them over and over until they were all sunk.

Then I said, “But they were American navy ships.”

Then he said, “Who cares? Besides, what do a few hundred US personnel matter? Easy come, easy go. They’re all suckers and losers anyway.”

But the bullets put holes in the bath, the floor and the downstairs ceiling, and water was pouring on people sitting at a table.

Pete Hegseth was really angry because his hair got messed up.

Mr Vance said, “Despite what you think, I’m not wet behind the ears but pass me a towel. It’s just a vibe.”

Marco Rubio was worried that his wet Florsheim shoes might shrink.

And Stephen Miller was busy redefining the meaning of rain.

When Uncle Donald came and explained what happened, he still had the pistol. They were all scared and said, “Well done! You have our full confidence as Commander-in-Chief, President Trump.”

He didn’t tell them they were American navy ships that he sank.

TEACHER
Be sure to write that book!

This would make a great leak story for the media.