Image: Wikipedia – A 2025 statue created by activists to protest Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein’s relationship

DOWNUNDER DISPATCH: LAUGH OR CRY
We’ve heard that Trump’s testicles talk to each other.

“Don’t waste your time with petty Epstein-linked accusations - I’m far too busy screwing over America. That’s a big job,” Trump said to the media throng.

Trump’s testicles were heard chuckling. The left one said to the right, “Between you and me, we could blow his FBI cover. Great balls of fire! Besides, Epstein is why he started the Iran war - to divert attention.”

“Another distraction is the new White House Ballroom being built in our honour,” said the right one. “What a great erection it will be. It will do us proud! He sure knows how to rise to the occasion.”

Highly sensitive media microphones caught the dialogue, which Trump brushed off as a cocked-up conspiracy.

DOWNUNDER DISPATCH: LAUGH OR CRY
We’ve heard that Americans would love to rub his face in it.

Not satisfied with just his signature on the new $100 bill, Donald Trump has pushed for his face to replace Benjamin Franklin.

He has also been pushing to be ‘glorified’ on bills of all denominations.

But Treasury advised Trump against the idea, saying, “In these difficult economic times, it would be too tempting for people to flush $100 bills as shitty toilet paper. Families could go hungry, just for the satisfaction of rubbing your face in it.”

Trump took heed of the economic advice, so Benjamin Franklin - and others - are safe, we think.

Emily Gregory. Image from campaign website.

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Apparently, Trump had dirt campaign planned but it went awry.

Donald Trump is outraged that a woman Democrat has taken the deep-red seat
where his Mar-a-Lago palace is located.

It is not clear whether he is more upset about the winner being a Democrat or a
“dog” as he has been quoted in reference to women.

Trump fired a GOP henchman who failed to carry out his orders to damage Emily Gregory’s reputation ahead of the election in Florida’s 87th House District.

He reportedly told an insider, “I knew she was a risk - attractive, intelligent, a good speaker and very popular in the community. These Democrat women are just too smart.

“I told the henchman to put out fake news to ruin her campaign, but he forgot.
I told him to say:

That she is a reformed hooker with some nasty diseases.
That she is an unreformed heroin addict.
That she spent six years in Russia as Vladimir Putin’s mistress and is now a Russian spy.
That her first two husbands both died in mysterious circumstances.
That she is under investigation for tax evasion.

“We cannot allow the Democrats to keep running women candidates. They must be stopped with dirt campaigns like this one - otherwise, we will have a sea of blue,” said the illustrious President of the United States.

DOWNUNDER DISPATCH: LAUGH OR CRY
We’ve heard that Trump says “This is tremendously great news. It’s going to work just great. Just great.”

While stuffing his face with KFC and being driven in a stretch limo, President Trump has posted a new directive on Truth Social, which reads:

“My fellow fat Americans, I have some really tremendous news for you. I have a plan to solve the gas crisis here in the States. It is tremendously good tremendous news, and it will work just great. Just great. Police across the nation have been told this begins at midnight tonight. It will be incredible, just incredible.

FAT PEOPLE MUST WALK and definitely not drive. IF A FAT PERSON IS CAUGHT DRIVING, THE CAR WILL BE CONFISCATED IMMEDIATELY and towed to the nearest Honest Donald Car Sales branch for on-selling.

These losers might need to walk five miles to the nearest KFC or McDonald’s or Burger King or Wendy’s or Dunkin’ - but that’s just tough luck. They might have to walk their kids to school which could be the longest walk their kids have ever done. What an absolutely fantastic opportunity for them. Just absolutely fantastically incredibly great.

Just think of the humongous amount of gas America will save. It’s just incredibly great because it will Make America Healthy Again with all those pounds of fat walked off. This is tremendously great news. It’s going to work just great. Just great.

It just goes to show I am the best president ever. I’m just sensational. And Americans – especially fat ones - should be tremendously grateful to have me as their incredible president.”

Image: Mojtaba Khamenei - Wikimedia Commons

DOWNUNDER DISPATCH: LAUGH OR CRY
All we can say is: Thank God Australia has a better system of government.

Dear Mr Mojtaba Khamenei
Supreme Leader of Iran

You rat. You have blown my cover. You have exposed my war manoeuvres and my fabricated ‘fake news’ as profiteering tactics to manipulate financial and oil markets. Mind you, it is being talked about in Washington, but I hate you anyway.

I have made squillions and so have my colleagues, but now the oil crisis is crippling economies worldwide and I’m in deep shit because of your irresponsible aggression in the gulf.

You are much smarter than I thought. My intelligence sources said you were a
dumbass knucklehead. So much for American intelligence.

So, I will do you a deal. But firstly, I do apologise for killing 3500 Iranians and causing mass destruction across your country. I am sure you will get back to normal within in a few decades.

I will promise not to destroy your power infrastructure on condition you do me one favour.

I wonder if you would be so kind as to stop attacking the Gulf states and start giving all oil tankers unconditional safe passage through the Strait of Hormuz, regardless of their country of origin.

Whether you agree or not, I will make the announcement on Monday morning after I get my personal affairs in order.

Mind you, if you don’t agree, I will drop a nuclear bomb and wipe you all out. That would be on Tuesday after I get my personal affairs in order.

Kindest regards,
Donald Trump

PS Sorry about your old man. May he rest in pieces.

Source: Daily Mail UK 15 Jan ‘25
1. (Happier times) President Trump receives a Presidential Commemorative Inaugural Diet Coke bottle from the Chairman and CEO of Coca-Cola Company, James Quincey
2. The famous Diet Coke button (circled) on the Oval Office desk

DOWNUNDER DISPATCH: LAUGH OR CRY
We hear that Donald is leaving a nasty taste in people’s mouths.

Donald Trump was Coca-Cola’s most acclaimed consumer and advocate of its products, especially Diet Coke. And that was a marketing boon for the Coca-Cola company.

But now as Trump’s popularity plummets into disapproval and indeed disgust, his affiliation with Coke has executives worried.

“This is causing significant brand damage. People everywhere are calling Coke ‘the drink of losers’ and moving over to Pepsi.” said one top executive. “Our stock prices are tumbling. This is serious.

“We are imploring the president to switch to Pepsi, but he refuses. He says he is not prepared to look like a fraud unless there’s a sizeable, secret Coca-Cola share portfolio in it for him.”

The Diet Coke button on Trump’s desk has been renamed Diet Pepsi, but now it delivers Diet Coke in Diet Pepsi bottles. Very sneaky!

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We can only imagine how deeply these great presidents would be alarmed by the existential threat posed by Trump.

Donald Trump must think he is the greatest hotshot on planet Earth.

Realistically, he is the world’s greatest loser.

In the midst of all the turmoil, let’s pause and consider some basic qualities that are vital to successful human co-existence - kindness, compassion, selflessness, honesty, humility and integrity. These qualities are what make real people truly great, no matter how insignificant their lives.

But the President of the United States embodies the opposites of all these qualities - all wrapped up into one obscene package called Donald Trump - a human failure of epic proportions. A total loser despite all his wealth and power.

As US President, he is the most powerful person in the world, but the immoral and unethical abuse of that power makes him a danger to the establishment, the planet and humanity itself. It is that serious because he has no respect for any of them.

The preservation of his ego, his wealth and his family are more important than anything – literally anything.

Enough kilometres of columns have been written about this man Trump to reach the moon. After all, he has the world news cycle on a string, made worse by the Hormuz oil crisis.

But the question that I and many ask is, “How did a person with such profound psychological defects get to be president, not just once but twice?”

Loopy, wacky, crazy and totally unhinged are common descriptions of him that don’t belong in psychology text books. And now, much of the world paints America generally in the same way.

We can only hope that when Donald Trump has finally left the White House, the United States Constitution will be amended to avoid any repeat of the Trump fiasco.

Clinical forensic psychological assessments should be mandatory for presidential candidates, with particular vigilance for any Trump-style traits like narcissism, psychopathy, sociopathy, antisocial personality disorder, emotional dysregulation, compulsive manipulation and paranoia.

As well as forensic assessments, an intensive interview process could prove revealing and lifesaving for America’s future, and indeed the world’s.

To avoid bringing the office of US President into total disrepute again, here are some pointers for identifying telltale signs of anyone being loopy, wacky, crazy or totally unhinged.

If the candidate talks about starting wars to watch on TV because regular viewing is boring, there is a problem.

If the candidate does not agree that deliberately bombing schools and hospitals are immoral war crimes, there is a problem.

If the candidate argues that the truth is an unnecessary complication in political debate, there is a problem.

If the candidate believes that public spitting at members of the media is a good idea, there is a problem.

If the candidate refers to African Americans as apes or monkeys there is a problem.

If the candidate repeatedly requests seeing the nuclear strike buttons, there is a problem.

If the candidate attempts to sack the interviewer, there is a problem.

If the candidate offers $1million to pass the test, there is a problem.

If the candidate pulls a gun and shoots the interviewer, there is a problem.

If a candidate can be found who is not unhinged, and becomes president, he or she will have one hell of a mess to clean up, not least restoring the world’s confidence in the USA.

That is, to Make America Great Again akin to the likes of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt.

DOWNUNDER DISPATCH: LAUGH OR CRY
It seems that it’s easy to forget the effects of war via media on young minds.

These young parents decided enough was enough. Bombs, explosions, destruction, devastation, suffering, bloodshed and death on a mass scale in the Middle East - all on TV screens and regular parts of the relentless daily news cycle.

They turned the television off and took their young daughter to the beach.

Mum commented to me, “We were getting more and more worried about young people generally and what sort of world they think they are growing up in. It must be very scary for them, so we came to the beach to let our daughter restore trust in her world, far away from the Middle East. It’s like a cleansing and a re-grounding for the three of us.”

Dad chimed in, “Look! The sky has not fallen in, and the world is still a beautiful place.

“From now on, the television will be strictly controlled. Censorship will be alive and well in our house. No mobile phone for this girl yet.”

Check out this research by America’s PubMed which finds that children exposed to war via media (not direct war exposure) can be readily distressed, causing lasting anxiety, fear and post-traumatic stress symptoms (PTSS).

THERE SEEMS TO BE NO END TO THE DAMAGE THE MANIAC IN THE WHITE HOUSE CAN DO.

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DOWNUNDER DISPATCH: LAUGH OR CRY
Just for fun, we contrived this scenario which has a fascinating response from ChatGPT.

Dear ChatGPT

Donald Trump here – you know, the President of the United States.

I need your advice please. I seem to have screwed up by starting the war with Iran. They are not the pushover I expected, and they are smart too. They are giving us a run for our money – mega billions of dollars in fact.

I did not expect them to blow up oil tankers and attack infrastructure in Arab states. Oil prices are shooting up, and the world economy is on the skids.

Can you help me get out of this fix?

Best regards
Donald

Here is the exact response from ChatGPT:

Dear “Mr President,”

First, a reality check: wars—especially with a country like Iran—don’t come with easy exits, quick wins, or predictable costs. What you’re describing is exactly how conflicts spiral when initial assumptions prove wrong.

If you genuinely wanted to “get out of this fix,” the path isn’t dramatic—it’s disciplined, and a bit humbling.

1. Change the objective (quietly)
Stop framing this as “winning.” Shift to containment and stability. Publicly, that sounds like protecting global shipping lanes and preventing escalation. Privately, it means lowering the temperature.

2. Open backchannels immediately
Even at the height of hostility, adversaries talk. Use intermediaries—countries like Oman, Qatar, or Switzerland—to establish indirect dialogue with Iran. You don’t need a handshake; you need a signal: what would de-escalation look like on both sides?

3. Offer something reversible
Iran won’t back down for free. Think limited, reversible concessions:

· targeted sanctions relief

· prisoner exchanges

· maritime deconfliction agreements

These allow both sides to claim “strength” without total capitulation.

4. Stabilize the oil panic
Work with major producers (Saudi Arabia, UAE) to increase output and calm markets. Even signaling coordination can cool speculation and bring prices down.

5. Declare a strategic pause
Not a retreat—never call it that. Call it a “reassessment of operational posture.” Slow operations, reduce visible escalation, and create space for diplomacy.

6. Control the narrative
You don’t say “we miscalculated.” You say:

“We have achieved our initial objectives and are now moving to the next phase: securing long-term regional stability.”

Same reality—different framing.

7. Accept the uncomfortable truth
There is no clean win here. The best outcome is a managed de-escalation that avoids a wider regional war and economic shock.

If this were truly Donald Trump writing, the hardest part wouldn’t be strategy—it would be restraint. Getting out requires doing less, talking more, and letting others share the stage.

Not very on-brand—but very effective.

ChatGPT ENDS - WOW !!!

DOWNUNDER DISPATCH: LAUGH OR CRY
It seems to us that Trump is historically and politically discombobulated.

Abraham Lincoln reincarnate has appeared in Washington to declare Donald Trump unfit for office.

In response, an angry President Trump declared on Truth Social, “I’ve heard about this Lincoln guy and his Gettysburg address. He’s a fraud. He doesn’t live there. I have checked. It’s not on Google Maps.

“Just who does this jerk think he is, telling me I don’t know how to ruin this county? I know how to ruin this country.” said the text. Brilliant spellcheck!

DOWNUNDER DISPATCH: LAUGH OR CRY
Apparently, the report of a corpulent corpse was beefed up.

In an exclusive interview, Melania Trump explains that despite her husband’s tough-guy exterior, he is just a sensitive old softie underneath.

According to Melania, “Only last week, he contrived a media release saying he was dead. He wanted to watch on TV the outpouring of grief the tragic news would cause. He expected mass, uncontrollable weeping and tear-drenched streets across America.

“I think it was an ego thing that drove him to do it.

“But to his horror, he was devastated to see a frenzy of rejoicing in the streets everywhere. He immediately called in the National Guard to shoot any reveller on the spot.

“He is such a sensitive soul. He just takes things so personally.

“When he saw celebrations in cities across Iran, he was heartbroken. After everything he had done for them, freeing them from the hideous regime of that terrible Ali Khamenei. Poor Donald kept saying over and over, ‘How ungrateful. How ungrateful.’

“He picked up the phone and ordered missile strikes on all offending cities. The death toll ran into tens of thousands. My dear Donald said, ‘That’ll teach them to be grateful to me in future.’

“I think this has something to do with narcissism, which sounds nice doesn’t it?

“Wall Street rallied, making amazing gains. Donald abstained from retaliatory action, and did not bomb the exchange because his share values were skyrocketing.” said Melania in closing.

“I think I am going to die more often”, Donald apparently told Melania.

When Donald Trump was later asked to explain the ‘Trump Dead’ White House media release, he explained the Melania interview was a complete fabrication on her part.

“She was just trying to improve my image which needs no improving.” he said. “All this proves that you never believe anything that comes out of the White House unless I have said it. But always remember, there’s a sucker born every minute, and you could be one.”

DOWNUNDER DISPATCH: LAUGH OR CRY
It seems to us that padded cells could become the new norm.

“Ggggrrrrhhh. If I hear anybody say they like Donald Trump, I will personally tear them to shreds with my teeth and fingernails.”
She declares in a padded cell within a hospital psychiatric ward.

She was stable, genteel and rational.
She was an active human rights campaigner.
She was a university professor in politics.
She was happily married with two children.

Family and friends say she had coped fairly well with Trump’s unconscionable actions with tariffs, ICE, Gaza, and Venezuela, but the war with Iran broke her.

“That’s when the meltdown occurred.” said her tearful husband. “She couldn’t cope with the total disregard for human life, all in the name of oil. Ignore all the lies about America’s righteous reasons for starting the conflict, she would say, it is a manoeuvre by Trump for America to control the Middle East, because of its oil – no matter what the human cost.

“She recognised very early that Trump planned to tear the world apart and destroy everything we held as sacrosanct. Lies, propaganda, brutality, power, institutional erosion and warfare would become the new norms. Humanity will be rocked to its core.

“She was right. Now it has rocked her to her very core, and she will never be the same again.”

This is a tragic example of a sufferer of a new mental condition known as DTSD – Donald Trump Stress Disorder. Few victims recover enough to be much more than totally unhinged.

The most susceptible are those with strong humanitarian leanings and soft, compassionate natures, which are social characteristics that the sinister Donald Trump is successfully eradicating worldwide.

The Donald Trump Stress Disorder is becoming a pandemic.

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The prime minister has been infuriated by Grace Tame’s comment on Instagram, namely: “What a patronising cop out from a total coward”.

Tame, former Australian of the Year was criticising the PM’s attempted apology after he labelled her “difficult” as a one-word response in a rapid-fire list of people as part of a word association game at the Future Victoria conference on Wednesday 25 February.

On Thursday, while backpedalling so fast that you could smell the burning rubber, he tried to fudge it by saying he was referring to her “difficult life”. Yes indeed, it was uncomfortably contrived and condescending.

Feminist commentary on the incident confirmed that “difficult” is traditional language used to socially denigrate women who challenge authority and resist expectations of being agreeable, polite, and even sexually compliant.

“OK, I screwed it up.” said the PM to Labor insiders, “My rationale was pathetic. I should have come clean and said that Grace Tame has made my life difficult with her ‘globalise the intifada’ pro-Palestinian public stance. And her FUCK MURDOCH t-shirt at the official reception for the 2025 Australian of the Year, was a very difficult situation to handle, even though I do agree with her.

“These women are so touchy. This is a huge overreaction. I’m really pissed off and I demand that no Labor member or staffer is to utter the treacherous words ‘Grace Tame’ in my presence.

“I can easily handle international diplomacy at any level with any world leader. Donald Trump is a breeze, but I can’t handle Grace Tame. She is such a difficult woman.” the PM concluded.

It is rumoured that Albo told his wife Jodie, he wanted to get a ‘FUCK TAME’ t-shirt printed for next Australia Day. Jodie explained that it would be an extremely bad idea, and convinced him to forget the idea. “You women are so touchy.” he grumbled, “And difficult I might mention.”

Albo slept on the couch that night.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this inaugural meeting of the I Couldn’t Give a Stuff Society, which explains why I am speaking to an empty hall, because nobody could be stuffed turning up, despite my advertising campaign.

Didn’t you notice the poster in the back lane behind the fish and chip shop?

I see that Pauline Hanson has just arrived – how appropriate. Welcome Ms Hanson. Please sit anywhere. As you all know, Pauline is surging in the popularity polls.

My speech tonight is about politicians. Ah yes, I can sense your delight that I am going to talk about a topic you truly couldn’t give a stuff a about, which is what the I Couldn’t Give a Stuff Society is about – giving people what they want, which are topics they couldn’t give a stuff about.

Yes, there’s method in my madness. It is interesting how people readily talk about politicians, beginning by saying that they couldn’t give a stuff about them? I exclude Ms Hanson from this.

We all know that politicians talk nonsensical gobbledegook in such convoluted ways that they contradict themselves, make no sense and basically confuse the crap out of the voting public? I exclude Ms Hanson from this.

God help me if I ever stooped to that level linguistic contortionism. People might not give a stuff about me if I did.

The recent shenanigans within the remnants of the Liberal – National, on again, off again Coalition has the Australian public even more disillusioned with pollies.

Voter disillusionment with parliament generally, can have the effect of driving people to vote for Pauline Hanson as an automatic reaction. It is called the I Couldn’t Give a Stuff, I’m Voting For Pauline Syndrome.

A vast number of disillusioned hard-right Liberal and National voters have become subject to this syndrome, although they have a reason. They are saying, “I’m going to vote for Pauline. She is doing what our mob should be doing.”

Across much of the middle-ground electorate, the tendency is to throw caution to the wind, to be rebellious against the status quo, to show no respect for the norms of governance and to disregard the notion of social stability. In short, the prevailing attitude is to adopt the great mantra of I Couldn’t Give a Stuff, I’m Voting For Pauline.

The reality is that Pauline Hanson could become leader of a new opposition – The One Nation Opposition - with a voter base devoid of “social conscience”.

People who believe in this strange notion called “social conscience” are appalled that Ms Hanson does not give a stuff that her policies are blatantly regressive and socially dangerous, particularly on immigration. She is proud of them, and they have gotten her to where she is today – on the verge of political legend status. All because the average Australian couldn’t give a stuff. Bravo!

What’s wrong with Pauline wearing a burqa into the Senate? What’s wrong with her having no regard for the truth? What’s wrong with her saying “there are no good Muslims”.

What’s wrong with good old-fashioned racist slurs? If it was good enough for the wogs and dagos from Italy and Greece, it is perfectly acceptable for the Muslims, Indians, Africans and Asians to be targeted with hateful slurs today.

Who gives a stuff if we hurt their precious feelings? This is our country and we decide on what terms we speak to these wannabe Aussies. Although watch out for the Racial Discrimination Act.

So Ms Hanson, do you have anything to say?
“Don’t talk to me about the Racial Discrimination Act.”

I know you think white Australians should have the freedom of speech to be as racially offensive as they want.
“Get stuffed. I said don’t talk to me about the Racial Discrimination Act.”

Ah that’s the way. That’s my girl! I can see how your tact and way with words has gotten you where you are today. You could be prime minister one day.

In conclusion, I say to each and every one of you who couldn’t be stuffed coming here tonight, keep up the good work. Australia needs people just like you.

I look forward to not seeing all of you next week when the topic will be climate change.

Produced 18 December 2025 – prior to my illness

Andrew Bolt was having a bad day on Monday, the day after the Bondi Beach shooting atrocity.

He had suffered an overnight episode of premature adjudication, having blamed the attack on multiculturalism before the ethnicity and migration status of the offenders had been officially confirmed.

“Multiculturalism has become a curse,” Bolt wrote. “Fact is, we’ve been lucky that this has not happened more often and worse.”

Consequently, he was copping loads of flack for his anti-non-white racial bias and lack of professionalism (not that professionalism is a word often used in association with Andrew Bolt).

We found Andrew in his local supermarket, looking a bit bewildered, when a young Indian woman employee (ethnicity confirmed) smiled pleasantly and asked, “Do you need some help sir?” to which Bolt replied, “How dare you. Do you think you can come to this country and expect to be nice to me, and get away with it? Do you know who I am?

“Yes, Mr Bolt,” came the reply. ”You are the well-known, right-wing anti-migration journalist who prematurely presumed the Bondi attackers to be
migrants of non-Caucasian ethnicity.”

At that, Bolt grunted and headed down the aisle muttering something like, “Too smart for her own good. No wonder they’re taking all our jobs. Where can I find an Australian who can make some sense?”

And he did, or so he thought. Of a young white Australian employee (ethnicity confirmed) Bolt asked, “Can you please tell me where I can find sugar?” to which came the reply, “Stuffed if I know mate. Ask that towelhead over there. She’ll know,” to which Bolt replied, “Thank you. It’s a pleasure to meet a kindred spirit like yourself.”

Holt approached the smiling Hijab-wearing Muslim woman (ethnicity confirmed) asking, ”Where in Christ’s name can I find the sugar section?” to which she replied, “I cannot speak for Jesus Christ, but I can tell you it is two aisles down, in the centre on the right. Did you want white sugar?” to which Bolt replied, “It must be white because white is more refined, not that you would understand the significance of that cunning slight.”

The Muslim replied pleasantly, saying, “On the contrary Mr Bolt, I totally appreciate that you regard people of non-white skin, as I am, to be uncultured heathens, terrorists or miscreants in general. I pity you. You must be a very bitter man. Is that why you need sugar?”

Then she decided to get really smart. “Have you seen our Swiss cheeses on special? They’re just like your articles, only with fewer holes.”

With that insult, Bolt bolted off, sugar-bound but noticed a male customer of Middle Eastern appearance (ethnicity unconfirmed) with a trolley containing seven pineapples, complete with rough ends. “Obviously a terrorist,” he mused, ”Imagine the damage that the rough ends of seven pineapples could do if rammed into the wrong places.”

He opted not to alert management lest he be deemed overly anal. Supermarket managers can be very astute judges of character.

Bolt was at his wit’s end when he found the sugar. He then ran towards the checkouts, jumped the express queue, paid, then stormed out.

On the zebra crossing just outside, he was hit by a speeding four-wheel-drive ute driven by a white Australian yobbo bearing a tattoo, “I luve Pualine Honsan” on his upper right arm. He was sucking on a can of Victoria Bitter and was over the 0.05 limit (ethnicity, social status, political ‘ideology’, and blood alcohol reading confirmed).

Passers-by of multiple skin colours, including many white, rushed to Bolt’s aid (and called 000). He was conscious but the packet of sugar was smashed.

Andrew Bolt was indeed having a bad day.

When an ambulance arrived, he was delighted to find the male paramedics were white Australians (ethnicities confirmed). “I’m not racist,” he said, “but I sure am glad to see you white blokes.” The ambos just laughed, knowing his identity and reputation. Let’s remember that Andrew Bolt has the gall to deny being racist.

Once in hospital, radiology revealed a ruptured gall bladder. A black Ethiopian surgeon (ethnicity confirmed) explained that removal of the gall bladder was urgent.

The intrepid journo roared, “I can’t survive in my job without a good supply of gall. It’s my trademark. Besides, I would rather die than have a black surgeon operate on me. I demand a white Australian.” The hospital obliged by agreeing to a white surgeon (not letting him die).

Lying in an emergency bed, he lamented, “Multiculturalism is a blot on Australia”, then looked at his hospital wristband on which was written, Andrew BLOT. “And so are leftie punsters who work in hospitals,” he grunted.

Andrew Bolt was flat out having a very bad day.

Produced December 2025 - prior to my illness

Prime Minister Anthony Albanese delivered an online speech to Australia’s most influential, left-leaning, non-mainstream political columnists who continue to give him grief.

Welcome and thanks for being brave enough to attend.

I would like to call you my friends of the left, but being two-faced is not my game, unless I need to be. Such is politics! So, dear enemies, I want to call you out for branding me a gutless wonder. You claim my reluctance to make radical changes, is for the sake of “stable government”. Do you think I would want to preside over instability? Besides, I’m here for the long haul until Labor becomes the natural party of government.

Consider the huge majority Labor now has in the House. I masterminded that. We now occupy the prized centre between traditional Labor and Liberal values. But the blurred zone between red and blue has become vast. Governing in this space means appealing to bluish and reddish constituents, and that takes genius in duplicity. Yes, two-faced Albo is here! But I have to avoid anything radical that might upset traditional, now-disgruntled ex-Liberal voters.

You all continue to write endlessly about what’s so wrong with everything, then stamp your feet saying pathetic things like “where’s the justice” or “this is a disgrace” or “this must stop” or “they should be held to account” or “this isn’t fair” blah, blah, blah.

You treat me as the enemy of the people, because I don’t act. It’s not that simple and I’m fresh out of magic wands. I’ve got the task of performing a vested interest tightrope balancing act, juggling lobbyists at the same time, while the Murdoch empire throws daggers at me.

Despite all your bleeding-heart keyboard tantrums, nothing ever changes, does it? So why do you bother? You will never beat the all-powerful capitalist forces you are complaining about. So just give up and get off my case.

Democratic left-wing governments can only exist and survive by letting capitalist forces have their way. By how much they have their way depends on the political craftiness of the government of the day. And I’m a crafty old bastard.

You know that the Labor movement had its foundation in the egalitarian notion of democratic socialism, but that purist ideal was always a pipe dream. Mind you, the trade union movement was always necessary to keep rampant capitalism at bay.

Some of you have impudently suggested that the modern ALP has lost touch with its founding core beliefs. Labor has never forgotten its roots in the once great blue-collar working-class trade union tradition of bygone days. But Australia has undergone a demographic transformation since those days.

Labor has always been a party of compromise and evolution.

In its early years, the Australian Labor Party was smart enough to compromise democratic socialism, knowing that a flourishing free enterprise system was vital. You can’t have a welfare state system without a healthy capitalist state to support it.

A well-oiled capitalist economy makes for high standards of living, along with health, education and social services. Labor governments can’t risk tampering with the vital lubricant. Remember, abundant jobs mean abundant votes.

Labor needs votes to win elections, to state the obvious. There’s no point in being an out-of-touch, idealist party that’s always in opposition. And so, modern Labor has evolved.

To repeat myself, you will never beat the all-powerful capitalist forces. They have become a global corporate behemoth, and your bleeding-heart keyboard tantrums are a waste of time.

Sadly, Labor has compromised itself and changed to the point of being unrecognisable – a mere shadow of its former self.

There is nothing laudable to believe in any more. Social idealism and left-wing journalism are doomed. To you journos, I suggest you start writing for New Idea or Take 5.

Let me deal with the likes of the finance sector, the fossil fuel industry, the oil giants, the supermarket duopoly, tech and pharmaceutical giants, mining magnates, gambling and all the other greedy interests that you don’t seem to understand. I’m cunning and I have my ways with them.

Labor is better suited than the Liberals to keep corporates in check, at least. It is in the national interest for us to win elections, and to do that we must, unfortunately, accept corporate contributions for election campaign funding and other things.

And that is the ultimate compromise on my part in the name of the national interest – the last straw - acceptance of big bucks and gratuities from the behemoth. Such martyrdom on my part for the sake of Australia!

But I must look on the bright side. I have power, control and influence. I am prime minister and I’m here for the long-haul leading Labor to become the natural party of choice.

We know the psychological harm caused by teenage (and younger) social media misuse can be severe – trauma, humiliation, shame, isolation, depression and more. Even suicide.

Now that Labor’s Online Safety Amendment (Social Media Minimum Age) Bill 2024 has been passed, the promised social media ban for under-16’s has become a reality.

It’s contentious, with arguments for and against - like a veritable volleyball match – back and forth, back and forth ad infinitum.

Let’s do some eavesdropping:

I’m pleased that this new Bill has been OK’d for under-16’s. Kids can be so brutal with their sexting, cyberbullying and all the other ways they dream up to intimidate online.

I detest this behaviour, but I don’t think a ban like this is the right way to go. It doesn’t seem right to have under 16’s made to feel excluded from ’normal’ society.

Are you one of those high-minded, out-of-touch civil libertarians?

I am not out of touch! Why should all under-16’s be denied access to the positives that social media has to offer? We should consider things like support for marginalised or disadvantaged social groups. A ban would limit access to peer support and information. And what about kids living in lonely remote areas?
Yet again, we have a case of the well-behaved majority being disadvantaged by the minority, who seem to always spoil things for the rest.

But social media has become an addiction, and it kills real-world socialisation. It even hinders brain development. The under-16 ban makes bloody good sense to me.

Yeah, it is addictive, and here’s the problem. Tech-savvy kids will be desperate for their fixes and find ways around the ban. I bet they’ll succeed. They’re cunning!
Besides, kids can still get onto platforms through VPNs, that’s Virtual Private Networks. They make it appear they’re in a different location where the restriction doesn’t apply.

I am starting to lose my optimism about this new ban.

Good to hear! And let’s remember, the more something is prohibited, the more appealing it often becomes. And historically, prohibitions have a habit of attracting criminal activity that creates bigger problems. Think of Prohibition in America in the 1920’s causing the infamous Gangster Era and the likes of Al Capone.

Now that analogy is a pretty big leap!

Yes I know, but is this ban going to open up a diabolical can of worms? I cannot for the life of me see how it can be enforced. Sure, the platforms face huge fines for non-compliance, but does it mean that mums and dads and teachers have to become the police? Besides, I bet many parents will help their kids get around the law. And what then?

That raises a good point about parents. A lot of them are hardly paragons of virtue themselves and they hardly set good examples.

Imagine what parents might say to their kids, “The government says you are not mature enough to be vile, abusive and offensive on social media, like mummy and daddy are. You will have to wait until you turn 16.” Boy, wouldn’t that reinforce the attraction!

OK then, since you know so much, what is the solution?

I reckon this problem is a blight on society in general. The behaviour needs to be addressed, not just an age group.

So you believe in Paul Keating’s fairies at the bottom of the garden, do you?

Maybe I do in the form of AI. But let me qualify that – with great caution about privacy. There ain’t no silver bullet, but I can dream.
With the incredible advances in artificial Intelligence, surely it would be possible for platforms to quickly identify these violations across the board.
The Online Safety Act has powers to hold online service providers responsible for harmful content. Under the Act, the eSafety Commissioner can investigate and require removal of content. The Act has got big powers already, including heavy penalties.
So, I have a dream. Where have I heard that before? With advanced AI detection by providers enforced by law, the Commissioner is to be automatically notified by platforms of all serious breaches. Platforms will be expected to act ‘appropriately’ according to new law amendments. If not, hefty fines will be on their way to providers.
Mind you, the office of the Commissioner might need to move to much larger premises.

Sounds too good to be true.

FIGJAM

We hear talk about left-wing intellectuals, but I can’t recall ever hearing about a right-wing intellectual of any merit. To me the term is an oxymoron with the emphasis on moron.

For politicians, to be right wing is to be conservative by definition, and the more so, the less intellect, to the point where hard-right conservatives lose all sense and reason. They do understand that socks go on before shoes, and undies before pants, but thought processes are seriously deficient.

There must be vital brain lobe cortices that never developed, leaving black holes - emotional and mental voids.

This sounds brutal, but when this mental defectiveness translates into brutal treatment of one’s fellow man and the environment, there are no holds barred for mine.

In normal people, these cortices are filled with the attributes of kindness, goodwill and fairness, to name a few. Ethical and moral behaviours are derived from these lobe regions. The list is as long as there are positive human qualities.

To me, a true political intellectual is a person who objectively challenges traditional assumptions and the status quo in pursuit of legitimate democracy, integrity and social justice. Opinions are evidence-based and the product of earnest thought. Ideological depth is a natural by-product.

Sadly, the qualities of intellectualism are of scant concern to most politicians, and the dearth of ideological integrity is depressing. These days, ideological pursuit across most parties has been replaced by the quest to fill voids with policies that polling dictates – unless powerful lobby groups say otherwise.

By blowing in the winds of polling directions, parties lose sight of what their voter bases are or should be or eventually, were.

Consequently, the electorate is left confused about what various parties actually stand for, because the parties themselves don’t even know. Little wonder that traditional voter base delineations have disappeared.

Enter the Liberal Party where conversely, far-right members are so lost in their own black hole syndromes that they even ignore polling. Seemingly they are “born to rule” and the opinions of the masses matter nil – except at elections, but even then, voters sent clear wakeup calls to deaf ears in 2022 and 2025.

According to these strange Liberals, it is apparently perfectly reasonable to hold and express views of social inequity, racial vilification, divisiveness, sexism, gender inequality, homophobia, xenophobia (and climate denial).

Of course, the far right does not hold a monopoly on being morally bankrupt. Think of recent centre-right Liberal prime ministers Abbott and Morrison as exponents of these abominations.

Pauline Hanson as champion of Australian bigotry, continues to attract far more media attention than she deserves. She is renowned for her opposition to the Racial Discrimination Act Section 18C. To have told a fellow senator Mehreen Faruqi to “piss off back to Pakistan” is allowable, Hanson claims as she appeals a Federal Court ruling.

Hanson’s One Nation holds a polling approval of 15%. We can take it that 85% of voters disagree with her. But she is newsworthy, and her excessive coverage only emboldens her bigoted ratbag base. Such is the Hanson brand of populism.

Incredibly, the May election Liberal conservative remnants are scrambling to steal Hanson’s votes. They should know that nobody does far-to-extreme-right better (or worse) than Pauline. And yet, they still have not a clue about which voter demographic they belong to. Truth is, they don’t belong anywhere.

And now in November 2025, having learnt nothing from the May election disaster, they are openly posturing to get rid of moderate leader Sussan Ley and take over the front bench. They are making their already serious women problem far worse, and making themselves look like a political species fast approaching extinction.

To put it another way. These black hole conservatives possess strange desires to destroy their own party in the belief that their way is the only way for the party, which will not exist, to survive. Very weird !

The Liberal Party’s “born to rule” ethos will be its own nemesis.

State funerals and memorial services are public ceremonies held to honour Australians of significance who made exceptional contributions to public life.

Ned Kelly remains legendary as a person of national significance, known for his exceptional contribution to Australia’s cultural and historical heritage.

Woven into the national identity, his image — especially with the metal armour — has become an enduring Australian symbol of rebellion, courage and individuality.

However, he was an outlaw, responsible for three police killings, armed robberies and horse theft. He was a “crook”. He was convicted and hanged in 1880.

Despite entrenchment in Australian folklore, Ned was never awarded a state memorial service, presumably because of his “crook” status.

But apparently, it is now OK for out-and-out crooks to be honoured with state ceremonies.

With news that a certain shadowy figure – an out-and-out crook – from the darker, seamier side of NSW and federal Labor politics is to be honoured with a state funeral, a new precedent has been set.
Is it time to consider Ned Kelly for state honours?

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Let’s get some insights into this shadowy figure with excerpts from Kate McClymont’s authoritative column in The Age and SMH 11 November 2025.
Whilst obvious to many, the figure’s name has been dubbed he, him, hIs until the close, when the proverbial hits the fan.

The distinguished investigative journalist begins:
For a reporter whose career has been spent uncovering crime and corruption, he was the one who got away …

Former foreign minister Gareth Evans once said his inclination for doing “whatever it takes” … was not always a recipe for good, principled government.

“… he never learnt the finer points of ethical behaviour. He had always traded in favours, mateship and deals,” wrote Marian Wilkinson in The Fixer, her 1996 unauthorised biography of him.

Much to the astonishment of fellow diners, a woman marched over to his table and hurled a kangaroo scrotum purse at him, saying: “If we were in the jungle, I’d have cut your balls off and worn them round my neck.”
…
She claimed that he had offered to get her husband off the charges if Leanne would have sex with him.

When lunching, he would speak candidly of his extramarital activities.

A Queensland investigation into a prostitution ring discovered he had been involved in a $4000 sex romp with two Gold Coast sex workers at the five-star Hyatt …
…
The women were allegedly provided to him … in exchange for him making favourable representations to a US defence contractor on Burgess’ behalf.

Over the years, several Labor figures were adamant that Obeid paid him for getting him [Obeid] a seat in the NSW upper house. One said the $80,000 figure “is out of the horse’s mouth”, referring to him.

Offset Alpine’s Sydney printing plant mysteriously burned down on Christmas Eve 1993, causing the company’s share price to soar as it had recently been insured at three times its purchase price …
…
Years later, my [Kate McClymont] colleague Linton Besser and I discovered that in December 1994, a few months after the final insurance payout was made, he transferred $1 million from his Swiss account to an account in Beirut, Lebanon. The bank account just happened to be owned by … a close associate of the Obeid family.
…
The million-dollar payment appeared to be Eddie Obeid’s cut of the insurance payout.

My own lunching relationship came to an abrupt end in 2005 when I reported crime figure Joe Meissner had revealed for the first time his involvement in the bashing of Peter Baldwin, who was in the rival Left faction of the NSW Labor Party.

(He of course, is Graham Richardson.)

But Labor’s current political leaders appear to have turned a blind eye to Richardson’s unethical and immoral behaviour …

“Graham, quite simply, was a Labor hero,” said Deputy Prime Minister Richard Marles after Richardson’s death on Saturday.

Once a fountain of knowledge on Richo’s unscrupulous behaviour, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has offered the late powerbroker a state funeral, saying: “We have lost a giant of the Labor Party and a remarkable Australian.”

End of excerpts from Kate McClymont.

To repeat Albanese, “We have lost a giant of the Labor Party and a remarkable Australian.”

OMG! WTF! SO BLATANT AND UNASHAMED!

Richardson’s reputation for corruption was legendary in political and media circles, and known to the public through writers McClymont and Wilkinson.

Incredibly, ‘Richo’ was never found guilty of corruption, which speaks incriminating volumes for his influence.

His lack of ethics was breathtaking, and now our “honourable” prime minister leaves us gasping for air with his hypocritical, very own chilling brand of ethical abandonment.

What is most disturbing is Albanese’s blatant and unashamed endorsement of Richardson whose unscrupulous behaviour was blatant and unashamed.

“F***ing crooked politicians,” declares the vast law-abiding, honest and hard-working majority of Australians.

Back in Ned Kelly’s day, many viewed the police and the British colonial system as corrupt, oppressive perpetrators of social injustice.

Kelly’s rebellion and resistance appealed to the evolving Australian sense of independence and mistrust of corrupt self-serving authority.

At least the dubious legacy of Graham Richardson serves to remind us to never become complacent about corruption, which lives on in the form of corporate donations and lobby group power.

Image: One Nation website

Pauline Hanson has declared to the world that Australia is stuffed.

Whilst not actually mentioning taxidermy, the denigration of her own country was fierce. The problem is that if Pauline got her way, we would be well and truly stuffed. It’s a scary scenario because Hansonism is on the rise.

The One Nation leader delivered a speech at Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida as the only Australian invited by the Conservative Political Action Conference to speak at its exclusive ‘Circle Retreat and Gala’. For Hanson, it was a simple case of preaching to the converted.

Immigration by “hateful, radical migrants” is supposedly responsible for almost everything that is supposedly wrong with Australia.

In her absurd, lie-riddled speech, Hanson declared, “high migration numbers have had a brutal effect on our hospitals, health system, our roads, education standards, nursing homes, aged care facilities, and general infrastructure.”

These claims are not only absurd, but the opposites are the case with big thanks to immigration.

“Mass immigration is one of the key reasons inflation remains higher than normal in Australia,” she told the oh-so-agreeable Trump faithful. But it’s total claptrap by all key indicators.

According to Pauline, man-made climate change is “this century’s greatest hoax”. But if it proves to be true, it will probably be caused by migration.

If your supermarket trolley has a dodgy wheel, blame migration.
If your kids start smoking dope, blame migration.
If your house burns down, blame migration.
If your football team loses, blame migration.

If your internet drops out, you can blame China because the Chinese are the root of all evil including cyber-attacks.

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Hanson supports AUKUS and wants an unaffordable (and unnecessary) increase in defence spending. There seem to be two reasons. One, to suck up to Donald Trump who wants Australia to lift its game and two, to pay for the war that we and the US will apparently wage on China.

That’s a strange way to treat your most valued trading partner. But wait there’s more ! Pauline wants to impose tariffs on Chinese imports. How Trumpian !

This conveniently overlooks the higher prices consumers would be paying.
But inflation has already been blamed on migration, so tariffs won’t earn a blame guernsey under this logic.

To have gotten from being a fish and chip shop owner in Ipswich, to addressing a CPAC Forum in the US, Ms Hanson cannot be treated as a fool. She is cunning.

She knows that whatever misinformation and blame she dishes out, she will be heard and believed, because she is simply telling her growing faithful what they want to hear.

Facts and the truth are of no concern. Baseless fearmongering and the breeding of hatred and division have always been her bread and butter. That so many people love to hate, is a given for Pauline.

We can wonder why our Australian ‘populist extraordinaire’ accepted the invitation to speak in the United States.
Was it a big ego trip? Very likely.
Was it to be assured of coverage globally, and especially in Australia to build “credibility”? Absolutely.

But there is a very scary possibility, if not probability. That is, she went there to garner funding for One Nation, and what more perfect audience could she have? Like-minded, rich, influential ultra-conservatives.

If One Nation became highly funded and armed with advertising propaganda produced by frontline influencers, the outcome of next election could prove groundbreaking. A lot depends on whether the Coalition continues to implode.

One Nation is now polling at 15% according to Newspoll. The Coalition is at
only 24% primary vote. That’s only 9% difference. (The Greens are 11%)

One Nation could become the new Opposition.

If One Nation rose to be the Opposition, Australia would have a serious migration problem in the form of mass emigration.

Then we will be well and truly stuffed. It sure is scary !